SO YOU THINK YOU CAN BLOG?! By: Jasen Kaplan

MOB WIVES

2011-12-14T15:35:00.000-08:00

THIS KILLS ME!
It looks SO AMAZING! These women make me look boring and normal! WOW

MY NEW LOOK!!

2011-12-14T13:23:00.000-08:00

JUST KIDDING THATS CHERRY PIE!

I am thinking seriously envious of this man for being able to PULL OF SO GREATLY, this look!

I must admit I found this on a buddies facebook page and became completely inspired! I feel like I need something similar! Handsome and OUTRAGEOUS all at once. Well done!! I wish I could find this man and date him!

LINDSAY LOHANS LEAKED PLAYBOY PICS

2011-12-09T11:53:00.000-08:00

I think Lindsay looks AMAZING!!
WHAT DO YOU THINK??

Recepies

2011-11-28T09:21:00.001-08:00

Ranch Crusted Chicken

Last night I made an AMAZING ranch crusted chicken breast!

Ranch Crusted Chicken

8 chicken Breasts

3/4 C. Italian Seasoned PANKO Bread Crumbs

3/4 C. Shredded Parmesan Cheese

1/2 C. melted butter

1 Packet Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing Mix

Preheat oven to 350.

Mix together corn flakes, cheese and ranch mix in a medium size bowl and set aside.

In a separate bowl melt butter.

Dip chicken breasts in melted butter then into dry mixture.

Place in greased baking dish and cook, uncovered for 45 minutes!

I always make a packet of the dressing with some sour cream and a few table spoons of KRAFT mayo t0 drizzle over the finished product!

SUPER YUMMY!!!!

VEGAN LENTIL SOUP! 1 bag of lentils 3 table spoons of olive oil 4 carrots 2 Boxes of vegetable broth 1 large onion 4 cloves of garlic 3 potatoes 2 bay leaves Cumin Garam Masala (a spice u can get in the grocery store!) salt pepper

Soak the lentils in a bowl of water the night before or for at leas 4 hours. (use HALF of a bag if you like BROTHY soup. If you want a thicker type "stew" use the ENTIRE bag.)

In a large pot pour olive oil. add onion chopped and saute until translucent. then add 4 finely chopped cloves of garlic saute but do not brown it. add one teaspoon of cumin and 1/4 teaspoon of Garam Masala and black pepper and bay leaves chopped carrots and peeled and cubed potatoes (DO NOT ADD SALT. lentils cook better if you dont salt them until the end.) pour in 2 boxes of Vegetable broth and bring to boil. Drain lentils that have been soaked over night and lentils to boiling broth and veggies. Simmer for about 45 minutes to an hour until tender. Remove bay leaves. Add Salt to taste after about 40 minutes about

I make a fresh pot of soup every monday and it lasts all week! You can boil elbow noodles and keep them on the side in the fridge and add them to a bowl of soup to make it more filling! (don't keep the noodles in the soup or it will absorb the liquid)

Delish Spinach-N-Artichoke dip is hands down the BEST party favor I have EVER contributed. I swear this dip is REDONKITY-DOO-DAH-DAYUM good..... I swear I've seen Dan Caster eat 5lbs of it in ONE sitting. And again, its NOT the recipe for YSL Rive Gauche fragrance. Im pretty sure if you FOLLOW the directions you can handle it.

Jasen’s Famous Spinach Artichoke Dip 1 Package of Dry Onion Soup Mix 1 Bar of Cream Cheese 2 Packages of Frozen CHOPPED Spinach 2 Cans of Artichoke Hearts (quartered makes it easier) I Cup of Grated Parmesean Cheese 1 Cup of Grated Asiago Cheese 1/2 Cup of Romano Cheese (optional) 2 cups of Mayonase 1/2 Cup of Sour Cream 1 Teaspoon Garlic Powder Directions: Defrost, Drain and Squeeze water out of Spinach. Drain Artichoke Hearts and chop into large pieces. Set Aside. Present Oven to 350 In a large bowl add Cream Cheese, Mayo, Sour Cream, Shredded Cheese's (aside from Romano. Keep that for the top) Add Onion Soup Mix and Garlic Powder and mix well. Then fold in Spinach and Artichokes. In a large Casserole dish add ingredients and sprinkle romano cheese on top. (You can add fresh ground pepper to taste, I know you love it) Bake until bubbley and edges are golden. Serve with fresh toasted pita bread and enjoy!

Jasen's Famous Truffle Mac N Cheese

This shit will not only knock your socks off, but if you are looking to receive oral sex, or are trying to make someone fall in love with you, Jasen's truffle mac-n-cheese will be your KRYPTONITE. Now, I am not trying to act like I invented truffle mac-n-cheese but I sure as hell perfected it! And listen, you dont have to be a god damn culinary graduate, or hard core cook to pull this off! Trust me. I always say to remember ONE important thing! YOU WAN'T TO EAT THIS FOOD! Flavor it with your TASTE BUDS, if you add something you like the food will taste right. Do what the recipe says... DONT FUCK IT UP. ; )

Jasen’s Truffle Mac-n-Cheese 2 Cups uncooked Elbow Macaroni (one box) 4 Tablespoons Butter 1 Cup grated sharp cheddar cheese 1 Cup Grier cheese 1 Cup Velveta cheese 2 Eggs 1/2 cup Sour Cream 1 (10 3/4ounce) can Campbells Cheese Soup Mix 1/2 Teaspoon of salt (if you have truffle salt use that) 1 Cup whole milk 1/2 teaspoon dry mustard 1/2 teaspoon black pepper 1/2 teaspoon onion powder TO MAKE TRUFFLE 1 teaspoon Truffle Oil 1 cup panko bread crumbs Directions: 1. Boil Elbow macaroni in salted water for 5 minutes. Drain, DO NOT RINSE In medium saucepan, mix butter, cheese, soup until melted In large bowl mix eggs, sour cream, salt, milk, dry mustard, pepper and truffle oil. after ingredients are mixed add macaroni stir again. *(Before adding breadcrumbs drizzle top with 1stp of truffle oil and stir) Pour into large cassarole dish and bake for 30 mins on 350. OR crock pot on low for 45 minutes 5. In a nonstick skillet add 3 tablespoons of butter until melted. Toast Panko Breadcrumbs lightly (sprinkle on top of macaroni and cheese after baked) *(if making truffle add one teaspoon of truffle oil to toast with buttter) ENJOY!

VEGAN "Bacon "Chicken" "Cheddar" "Ranch" Wrap

Chop Fresh Dill, Parsley (about a hand full of each), and i shave 2 or 3 carrots and then cut them up. Use 3 Cups of VEGANAISE add garlic powder about 1 teaspoon and 1 teaspoon of onion powder then squeeze one lemon and mix it up. (I always buy 2 jars because you can use one as MAYO and one as Ranch dressing, it stays nice if you make it and you can just leave it in the jar.

Buy Morning Star farms Chicken patty's and Boca Spicy Chic Pattys. They are DELICIOUS! also the Morning star farms "Bacon" is TO DIE FOR. I put them both in the oven together and then when the bacon comes out of the oven I let it sit for a few minutes and let the chicken patty keep cooking, then on a pita or WHOLE GRAIN wrap, i crunch up 3 strips of the bacon sprinkle DAYIA "Cheddar Cheese" 2 pieces of romaine lettuce then i cut the chicken patty up into strips and use my "Ranch" dressing. it makes the best lunch!! You can make it in the morning and wrap it up in foil and it stays nice until you're ready to eat lunch!!

Cashew Cream Recipe

Cashew Cream is a vegan-chef staple that stands in for dairy in a variety of ways. In the raw-food world, where it originated, it’s used in lots of desserts. When you cook with it, though, it can be so much more—from cheese filling in ravioli to heavy cream in soups. It can be stored 2 to 3 days in the refrigerator and can be frozen for up to 6 months (although after it’s defrosted it can be a bit lumpy, so it’s good to give it a spin in the blender to smooth it out before using it).

The trick when making cashew cream is to use raw cashews. They have no flavor of their own; they’re just a vessel for fat and creaminess. (It’s the roasting that brings out the familiar sweetness in cashews.) Because it has a nice fat content, cashew cream reduces in a pan even faster than heavy cream. (Soy milk, which some people use in vegan cooking, has no fat, so it doesn’t reduce into a thick sauce—it’s really not an alternative.)

For different applications, there are different consistencies—thick and regular. (I’ve also included a recipe for Whipped Cashew Cream, which is a great accompaniment to desserts.) Both are easy to make but not quick, because the cashews need to soak overnight. A shortcut is to put the cashews in a pot with water, bring them to a boil, then shut off the heat and let them soak for an hour. But this starts to leach out the sweetness, so you’re better off with the overnight method. Also, there’s at least one decent brand of store-bought nut cream, called Mimic Cream, which combines cashews and almonds; you can usually find it on the shelves or in the refrigerated section near the soy milk. Of course, nothing compares to homemade, and once you get used to it, there may be no turning back. regular and thick cashew cream 2 cups whole raw cashews (not pieces, which are often dry), rinsed very well under cold water Put the cashews in a bowl and add cold water to cover them. Cover the bowl and refrigerate overnight. Drain the cashews and rinse under cold water. Place them in a blender with enough fresh cold water to cover them by 1 inch. Blend on high for several minutes until very smooth. (If you’re not using a professional high-speed blender such as a Vita-Mix, which creates an ultra-smooth cream, strain the cashew cream through a fine-mesh sieve.) To make thick cashew cream, which some of the recipes in this book call for, simply reduce the amount of water when they are placed in the blender, so that the water just slightly covers the cashews. Makes about 2 1/4 cups thick cream or 3 1/2 cups regular cream

Prep time: 10 minutes, plus soaking overnight.

VEGAN RANCH DRESSING

2 Cups of (Blue cap) Veganaise

Chop Fresh Dill, Parsley (about a hand full of each),

Shave 2 or 3 carrots and then cut them up into a dice

about 1 teaspoon

add 1 teaspoon garlic powder

1 teaspoon of onion powder then squeeze one lemon and mix it up. (I always buy 2 jars because you can use one as MAYO and one as Ranch dressing, it stays nice if you make it and you can just leave it in the jar.

A life change.

I have always picked up on an underlying theme in Ellen Degeneres' life. Ellen has been very open to her vegan lifestyle, in how it helps her to succeed in being "her best version of herself." After admiring from afar about her "veganism" the vegan lifestyle has been popping up everywhere around me. It was no coincidence that Oprah Winfrey had an AMAZING episode featuring the Vegan Lifestyle and how you can still ENJOY FOOD as well as satisfy cravings for your EDULGENT and BUTTERY tasting delights.

I mean lest be honest, when Paula Deen whips up a chicken pot pie, and melts a stick of butter into her creamy alfrado sauce, it sends me into a frenzy and I want to cook and eat EVERYTHING on her show. After spending several years rocking out the kitchen, from my FAMOUS TRUFFLE MAC-N-CHEESE to the most FINGER LICKING NON-VEGAN Spincah-n-artichoke DIP. I will post more recipes, but the point of this blog today, is that I KNOW how delicious I want to eat. But lest also be honest, being fat DOESNT feel good! Wanting to eat flavorful food, and having "quality of life" was important too! And INDULGING like I was on a weekly basis, had started to catch up to me.... Well FUCK YOU FAT GRAMS, and yucky rice cakes, I found the secret! THE ULTIMATE diet! You can eat all the flavors you LOVE, you just have to learn the way....

The Vegan Lifestyle is not for everyone, and I respect that. BUT your just most likely ignorant to all of the AMAZING flavors you can get if you mix together SIMPLE ingredients!!!

The other day I was talking to my BFF Aubrey O'day who happens to have her own reality show on OXYGEN, airing MARCH 7th right after Bad Girls Club called ALL ABOUT AUBREY. TUNE IN! Maybe you will see her and I her "G-hub" talk about it on the show?! I was teaching Aubrey how you can still eat Onion Dip with carrots, and the DAIRY FREE version with TONS less calories and fat, because of Tofutti SOUR CREAM mixed with Lipton Onion Soup mix and you are in HEAVEN.... ask AUBREY herself!

I have removed all animal products from my diet. My digestion has become balanced! I have lost lots of weight, and my energy level has gone up! Lets be honest, if I get my ass to the gym every day, things will be EVEN BETTER, but in the mean time making vegan choices in my diet, has had the most POSITIVE effect on my life EVER.

If you are interested in more of my recipes, I will post them! Stay tuned and see more info below.

Also my favorite thing in the world is my "Bacon "Chicken" "Cheddar" "Ranch" wrap. Its like the best thing EVER!

My top ten favorite VEGAN substitutes are Daiya Vegan Cheese Substitute Veganaise Morning Star Farms Chicken Pattys (only for the breaded cutlet taste) Whole Foods Brand VEGAN chocolate chip cookies! Almond Breeze dairy free MILK which in the vanilla flavor is 100 times better than MILK from an animal. Cashew Cream Morning Star Farms animal free BACON strips (on a grilled "cheese" to die for! Add some Veganaise too!) Ranch Dressing

3am

2011-08-25T14:45:00.000-07:00

Because Im an asshole.... Sometimes I think Im Rob Thomas

This is why you cant give me a microphone after 5 beers!

and for all of you fools who like unplugged...

NYC EARTHQUAKE

2011-08-23T15:19:00.001-07:00

PLEASE HELP! NYC NEEDS YOU!

Sponge?!

2011-07-22T18:40:00.001-07:00

Just when you think youve had enough laughter....

POP.

2011-07-22T18:38:00.000-07:00

Power of the pussy...
REALLY this is the most entertaining commercial I have ever seen! IM dying!

GAY HOARDING!

2011-07-22T10:29:00.001-07:00

This is AMAZING! I think Tori Spelling REALLY is Queen of the gays right now for this reason alone!

LASHING OUT...

2011-07-20T21:40:00.000-07:00

OK, So I know you girls who read my blog, like when I do beauty tips. TONIGHT LISTEN UP!!

Look what I just got! I'm apart of @JaMaalBuster's #TheLashTakeOva! #LashBarbieNation http://lockerz.com/s/122139476

I am known for my A-listers lashes! One thing my girls are KNOWN for are their lashes! If you want lashes that look like Eva Longoria, or Beyonce, I have the tip for you! go to Jamaalbuster.com

JaMaal Buster makes the BEST false lashes out there!
Please let me add the best part about them: YOU CAN USE A FOOLPROOF TOOL! This guy has thought of it all! Now you can do your own lashes at home!! Trust me, its a MUST HAVE!

My personal favorite is DADDY's LITTLE GIRL

MAC-Sterical

2011-07-16T18:43:00.001-07:00

THIS IS MAC-Sterical *(yes, I just made that word up)

My soul mate

2011-07-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master.

An emotional thank you

2011-07-12T18:55:00.001-07:00

An emotional thank you...

This will be my first, and hopefully last partially “debbie- downer” blog post ever. I think its because, for the first time in my life I have experienced love and heartbreak. Growing up gay, and in the closet until I was 21 years old, I was never really in serious or long term relationships as a teenager. My heart didn’t have the test runs, that heterosexual boys and girls go through. I had just started REALLY dating, and having feelings using my heart muscle when I was in college. However, I never experienced true love until I met my last boyfriend 2 years ago. I have had relationships, and I have met some amazing men, and I have certainly met people who have left their mark on my life! That being said, I have never met anyone who I was whole heartedly head over heels in love with until my last relationship.

Its so phenomenal to know you are able to fall in love. Once your heart has that feeling you and you know you are able to be IN LOVE, as well as have somebody love you in return, its literally like magic. The world has meaning like its never had and bliss seems like it will be everlasting! I am truly blessed to have experienced true love. What blows my mind is how hard it is to make a relationship work...

Lets be honest, none of us are “NORMAL” and we all have our own individual “demons” and idiosyncrasies. Mine are happens to be that I am super OCD, and I have a hard time letting go of control. I also have a super stubborn trait that I just cant shake, and once something upsets me its not easy for me to let it go. But the one thing that will forever be my flaw, is my level of sensitivity. I can cry from an episode of Oprah, or from a commercial about restless leg syndrome.

For those of you you have followed my twitter you have seen my tweet my feelings. I have clearly been through one the most beautiful relationship one could even wish for and I have even made youtube video’s about being in love, and never letting that love die! So what blows my mind is how happiness can change so quickly, and how love can suddenly turn into the most painful feeling I have ever had. Now being broken up with the man who will always be the greatest love of my life, I feel something has really tested my faith. It has given me pains in parts of my heart I didnt even know existed, and it has made me think things about love and life that are so negative and dramatic. But what I keep reminding myself is that my last relationship gave me the best 2 years of my life. Being loved that way, and knowing I have the ability to love, is one of the most special things I personally have ever experienced. So for that, I must feel blessed and thankful.

One of the other things I want to say is that I actually understand WHY people tweet their feelings! Social media has actually been like a sounding board for me in so many ways! But the best part about it, is having the “electronic touch” from my twitter followers, and facebook friends. As creepy as that may sound, Its true. I have been touched by so many people from all over the world, that I have never even met on a face to face basis! Just knowing that someone is listening to me, and then responding with enlightenment, or just a quick note about them caring or understanding, has really helped me get through a hard time! And while I am a long way from recovered, I do want to say thank you. Thank you to all of the people who “electronically touch me”!

BRAVO!

2011-06-07T13:34:00.000-07:00

Check out on Watch What Happens LIVE after show!
My new client Sonja Morgan gives me a shout out because a caller said they LOVED HER MAKEUP! at 3:30mins.

Thanks for having me on your BDAY! Andy

Hysterurbing

2011-05-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

Hysterurbing: (noun) A feeling of hysteria while being disturbed. Example: This video

(Thank you Tell Carlson for this gem)

When I was Young

2011-05-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

My momma told me when I was young "we are all born super stars" she pulled my hair up, put my lipstick on, in the glass of her boudoir!

This might be the cutest video I have ever seen. WOW.

Just A Kiss

2011-05-15T12:46:00.001-07:00

THIS IS SOOOO AMAZING!
I love being inspired!

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Loving Acapella

2011-05-05T06:37:00.000-07:00

I LOVE this version of Lady Gaga's Born this way! Its Acapella and truly breath taking!

what do you think!?

Eva Longoria Get The LOOK

2011-05-04T13:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was honored to do Eva Longoria's makeup.
She was attending an event here in nyc. Eva is VERY sweet and has the most naturally BEAUTIFUL look. Her skin is flawless and her lashes are SO LONG and full. Now I see why she has a lash contract with Loreal.

To get the look gave to Eva Longora you will need these products.

Keihls ultra facial moisturizer. This is a great base for makeup and I use this under all of my clients foundation to achieve a natural glow.

Dior Crystal Nude Matte skin protector. This is a great makeup primer that LOCKs in moisture and holds makeup on all day! its AMAZING

Bobbi Brown Skin Foundation with SPF 15 I use 2 colors one for the highlight areas of the face and one shade deeper for the contour. THIS is my favorite foundation.

Bobbi Brown Corrector in BISQUE You may need to get a lighter or deeper shade to use under your eyes to CANCEL out dark circles, but Bisque is most universal and is a MIRACLE worker!

Bobbi Brown Tinted Eye Brightner This is one of my favorite Eye Shadow Base products. I used it ALL around the eye and on the lid to prime and brighten the eye for shadow and concealer! Its lightweight and the colors are AMAZING

Dior Skin Nude Natural Glow Fresh Powder Makeup THIS is what I use to set my foundation application with a powder brush. I use this on the cheek contour and forehead as well as the neck and around the nose. It gives your skin a perfect "matte glow" while SEALING in makeup. ( I love this makeup by itself all over the face with a powder brush for less coverage and a very flawless natural look)

Dior 5 Shadow Pallet in Rosy Tan #754 I use the top right deepest color from lash to crease and blend out the crease with the bottom left color.
Then I use Bobbi Brown Long Wear eye gel in BLACK in the lash line. BE SURE to apply it in the inner pink part of the top and bottom of the lash line with a flat or angle liner brush. ALL AROUND THE EYE.

I then blend the bottom last out with the bottom left color of the Dior shadow pallet (Rosy Tan 754)

I coated the lashes twice with Loreal Collagene Mascara top and bottom.

To contour Eva's Cheeks I used Dior Bronze Matte Sunshine and then re-defined the deeper part of the cheek with Bobbi Brown Matte Bronzer in Natural

Under the eyes to set the concealer I then use Laura Mercier secret camouflage setting powder for under eye.

My favorite eyebrow pencil Dior Styler ultra fine universal pencil was then used to define Eva's already perfect brow shape!

Eva's Blus was Dior Blush in Rose Diamond

On the Lips, I used MAC lip liner in Subculture. This is my FAVORITE nude lip liner.
And finally topped off Eva's Lips in Dior Addict Ultra Gloss in Apricot Cloche #436

I always recommend to use a MAC blot powder in your shade around the NOSE, Under the chin, and T-zone for matte sin in the RIGHT places!

BEST OF REGINA GEORGE

2011-04-16T14:38:00.000-07:00

WHO DOESN'T LOVE REGINA GEORGE...
As my friend josh says "im watching this over and over for life inspiration"

Mean Girls (2004)

Regina: Boo, you whore.
Regina: Get in loser, we're going shopping.
Regina: Ma'am, do you have this in the next size up?
Regina George: She thinks she's gonna have a party and not invite me? Who does she think she is?
Regina George: I like *invented* her, you know what I mean?
Regina: She's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian." I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack.
Regina: I know, right?

Shane Oman: Why are you eating a Kalteen bar?
Regina: I'm starving.
Regina: What?
Shane Oman: They make you gain weight like crazy.
Regina: Motherf -
[she spits out the bite of the bar that she was chewing, and then she lets out a high-pitched scream]
Regina: Aaaaaaaah!
Regina: I'm wearing a spinal halo.
Cady: Look, I'm really sorry about the bus. I feel like it's all my fault.
Regina: Stopping making this about you. I'm the one that got hit by the bus.
Cady: I'm really sorry about all the other stuff too.
Regina: Okay, I'm going to forgive you because I'm a very Zen person... and I'm on a lot of pain medication right now.
Cady: [Cady smiles]
Regina: You know Aaron really does like you. He's always talking about how unusual you are and it really pissed me off. Like this one time, I got this really expensive doll house from Germany, but I never played with it. So my mom wanted to give it to my cousin. But even though I didn't want it...
Cady: You begged your mom to let you keep it?
Regina: No. I threw it down the stairs.
[they giggle]
Regina: I didn't want anyone else to have it. But that's just me.
Mrs. George: Regina! There about to announce the queen.
[sees Cady]
Mrs. George: Hello.
Regina: Can you believe my f-ing mom is here?
Regina: [they giggle]
Regina: Bye.
[waves]

Cady: [after humiliating Regina] Wait Regina, I didn't mean for this to happen!
Regina: To find out that everyone hates me? I don't care!
Cady: Wait Regina, just listen!
Regina: No! Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you're a homeschooled jungle freak, that's a less hot version of me! Yeah, so don't try to act so innocent! You can take that fake apology, and shove it right up your hairy c...
[Regina gets hit by a bus]

[after learning Cady is home-schooled]
Regina: But you're, like, really pretty.
Cady: Thank you.
Regina: So you agree?
Cady: What?
Regina: You think you're really pretty?
Cady: Oh... I don't know

Regina: Oh my God, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?
Lea Edwards: It was my mom's in the '80s.
Regina: Vintage, so adorable.
Lea Edwards: Thanks.
Regina: [after girl walks away] That is the ugliest f-ing skirt I've ever seen.

Regina: I know she's kind of socially retarded and weird, but she's my friend... so, just promise me you won't make fun of her!

Regina: Why don't I know you?
Cady: I'm new. I just moved here from Africa.
Regina: What?
Cady: I used to be home-schooled.
Regina: Wait... what?
Cady: My mom taught me at home...
Regina: No, I know what home-school is, I'm not retarded! So you've actually never been to a real school before? Shut up! Shut up!
Cady: I didn't say anything.

Gretchen: That is so fetch!
Regina: Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!

Gretchen: Regina, we have to talk to you.
Regina: Is butter a carb?
Cady: [Rudely] YES.
Gretchen: Regina, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday.
Regina: So...?
Karen: So that's against the rules, and you can't sit with us.
Regina: Whatever. Those rules aren't real.
Karen: They were real that day I wore a vest!
Regina: Because that vest was disgusting!
Gretchen: You can't sit with us!
Regina: [pause] These sweatpants are all that fits me right now.
Regina: [after being ignored] Fine! You can walk home, bitches.

Regina George: Wedell on South Boulevard.
Gretchen: Caller ID
Regina George: Not when you connect from information.
Taylor Wedell's Mom: Hello?
Regina George: Hello, may I please talk to Taylor Wedell?
Taylor Wedell's Mom: She's not home yet who's calling?
Regina George: This is Susan from Planned Parenthood, I have her test results. If you could have her call me as soon as she can. It's urgent, Thank You.
[Taylor Wedell's mom faints]
Regina George: She's not going out with anyone.

Cady: So, are you gonna send any candy canes?
Regina: No. I don't send them, I just get them. So you better send me one, byotch.

Regina George: 120 calories and 48 calories from fat. What percent is that?
Gretchen: Uh, 48 into 120?
Regina George: I'm only eating foods with less than 30 percent calories from fat.
Cady: It's 40 percent. Well 48 over 120 equals X over 100 and then you cross multiply and get the value of X.
Regina George: Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries.

Regina George: Why do you wear your hair like that? Your hair looks so sexy pushed back. Cady, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?

Gretchen: Growing up female in this world is not easy. In China, baby girls are routinely put up for adoption. And in parts of Africa, women are still made to live in tents during the time of their menses.
Karen: Ew!
Gretchen: And even in fancy countries like the United States and England, seven out of ten girls have a negative body image.
Regina George: Who cares? Six of those girls are right!

Regina George: It's called the South Beach Fat Flush and all you drink is cranberry juice for 72 hours.
Aaron Samuels: Lemme see that... this isn't even cranberry juice, it's cranberry juice cocktail. It's all sugar.
Regina George: I wanna lose three pounds.
Karen: Oh my God, you're so skinny!
Regina George: Shut up.

Regina: Do you know what people say about you? They say you are homeschooled jungle freak who's a less hot version of me. So don't try to act all innocent. You can take that fake apology and shove it straight up your hairy little...
[gets hit by a schoolbus]

My Radio Interview

2011-04-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

Check out my radio interview with Kempire radio
I come in at about 1:02:00

Listen to internet radio with Kempire Radio on Blog Talk Radio

OR LISTEN HERE

Aubrey O'Day Photoshoot

2011-04-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

Check out the photos I did makeup for. Traver Rains was the photographer, and the the clothing and concept was a collaboration between us 3. In one picture you can even see my arm ant star tattoo's. What do you think? Do you LOVE Aubrey O'Day?

Look At Me Now cover

2011-04-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

I AM LOVING this cover! what do you think!!!??

APRIL FOOLS!

2011-04-01T08:41:00.001-07:00

THIS..... is the ULTIMATE April Fools prank!
I DIE...

Katy Perry's NEW Music Video

2011-03-31T10:04:00.000-07:00

MTV is giving us a 60second preview of her new music video.
I am not a huge fan of this candy addicted, boy crazy weirdo, but I LOVE the alien look!

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MTV Shows

DELETED HYSTERICAL SCENE!

2011-03-30T09:45:00.001-07:00

COULD YOU DIE?

I have done some fun things in my life, but this may take the cake. Thank you Krystal for being my partner in crime. Oh, and THANK you Ginger O'Day for being the PRETTIEST (maybe not most talented) dog I know.

The Racist

2011-03-30T09:40:00.000-07:00

This episode I get to prove im the nice guy!

My Debut on All About Aubrey

2011-03-23T18:37:00.000-07:00

Comment and let me know what you think!

Start here

Then here!

All About AUBREY

2011-03-17T08:51:00.000-07:00

Check me out on this season's All About Aubrey
MONDAY at 10pm on OXYGEN!

You know what I think?!...

2010-12-30T15:41:00.000-08:00

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it....

I wanted to share some of my work. I have been a professional make up artist for over 10 years working with some of the BEST photographers, musicians, models, actresses, and celebrities in the world.

More to come

Make-up and Hair by: JASEN KAPLAN Photo by: TRAVER RAINS

Make-up and Hair by: JASEN KAPLAN Photo by: TRAVER RAINS

Make-up and Hair by: JASEN KAPLAN Photo by: TRAVER RAINS

Paper Magazine : Lydia Hearst Makeup by JASEN KAPLAN Photo by Jiro Photography

Lydia Hearst Makeup by JASEN KAPLAN Photo by Jiro Photography

Lydia Hearst & Aubrey O'Day with Richie Rich Makeup by JASEN KAPLAN Photo by Markus Klinko & Indrani

Cyndi Lauper Makeup by JASEN KAPLAN Photo courtesy of WIRE IMAGE

Aubrey O'Day Makeup by JASEN KAPLAN Photo courtesy of Film Magic

Jessica Stam Makeup JASEN KAPLAN Photo courtesy of Wire Image

Brittany Snow Makeup JASEN KAPLAN Photo courtesy of Wire Image

Paris Hilton Makeup JASEN KAPLAN Photo courtesy of Wire Image

Brittny Gastineau Makeup JASEN KAPLAN Photo courtesy of Wire Image

Tinsley Mortimer Makeup JASEN KAPLAN Photo courtesy of Wire Image

tarte cosmetics ad campaign Makeup JASEN KAPLAN Photo courtesy of Wire Image

I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH

2010-12-28T20:59:00.000-08:00

Willow Smith has NOTHING on me!

TRES GLAM, BURGERS & PAPARAZZI!

2010-12-09T14:45:00.000-08:00

We all love Oprah's list of favorite things don't we!

Well here is a list of my favorite things, as well as what I love most about LA!

#1 Star Studded Red Carpet Events! *(the more celebrities there are running around looking beautiful, the more work I get $$)

#2 A Sunny Day! (One of my favorite things about being in LA is the weather. 75 & Sunny is the 1st thing out of the weather man's mouth when you turn on the report in the morning.)

#3 A GOOD BURGER! The next best thing about LA, or as Perez Hilton likes to call it EL AY, is you can find the worlds BEST burgers here!

I have been on the search for the best burger since Gayle King set out on her road trip for ~~cellulite~~ the best burger in the world! Well, move over Gayle Im about to blow that synthetic wig right off your head!

UMAMI BURGER, and GRUB have just taken over. They are, in my opinion, rivals for the NUMBER ONE BEST BURGER IN THE WORLD! Both under $14.00 and packed with TRUFFLE flavor! Do yourself a favor, get your ass over to these LA hot spots, shove Paris Hilton out of the way, and GET THOSE BURGERS!!

Speaking of Paris Hilton, Id like to introduce you to the hottest LA socialite and jewelry designer, Brittny Gastineau. Brittny, is the daughter of Lisa Gastineau, the ORIGINAL "Glamour-ite." Before Kim Kardashian was even a glimmer in Ray J's eyes, Lisa and Brittny had a hit reality show on E! entertainment featuring true glitz and glamour. Most recently Lisa and Brittny known for their new line of jewelry. Tres Glam...

While in LA working on my next big project (stay tuned), I have the honor of staying with my bestie Britt. Take a look at the make up I did on her for an event last night!

Using Dior Beauty products #440 Sunset Cafe on her eyes and my favorite foundation from Bobbi Brown in #4 Natural, I contoured her cheeks with Dior Amber Tan the hottest bronzer with the richest color!

One of my favorite make up tricks to eliminate the appearance of dark circles is Bobbi Brown's corrector in Bisque.

And for all of you ladies out there who want to know what the BEST mascara is, INTRODUCING, DIOR SHOW EXTASE mascara!

Go get it girls!! It will change your life.

OH YEAH! THATS RIGHT! CALL ME DADDY!

2010-11-29T11:22:00.000-08:00

So I decided to get a baby... Yes, you heard me right, an actual baby... One that cries, poops, eats, and does baby things. The only difference between MY baby, and the baby YOU are thinking about is that MY baby is poor... Ok well thats not the only difference between my baby and most babies. Dilushalini, is 3 years old and is from Sri Lanka. I bought her online! And not only do I not have to HEAR her cry, or see her poop, but I have changed her life from all the way around the world!

tell me this precious little nugget doesn't deserve a better life! and I am going to give her one!

All I had to do was go to the website www.childfund.org/sponsorship/sponsorcontinue.aspx and I was able to pick out my very own baby!!

One of the exciting things about Dilushanlini is that she is going to have the nickname DELISH! I am going to send her the amazing duane reade brand of DELISH foods and she is going to think I started her very own brand of food, and the kids in her village are going to be SO JEALOUS. But dont worry, in my letters to my new daughter I will teach her to share!

DELISH COOKIES!

Delish MAC & CHEESE

So I realize it takes more than cookies and mac-n-cheese to change a childs life! But I hope and pray that by me sponsoring this child and giving her money to get vaccinations, clean food and water, she will gain something most children in her position will never have. HOPE... For just $28.00 a MONTH that is less than ONE DOLLAR a DAY, I am changing a child's life. When my baby is old enough to write back to me I will be so happy to hear her stories, her hopes and dreams, and how I was able to give her some simple things she'd never have gotten without my sponsorship!
AND THINK ABOUT IT! While Delish doesnt live in the most luxurious spot in Sri Lanka, there are amazing vacation spots around her that I can go and visit! Maybe one day when my daughter Delish is older we can go have drinks and she will tell me about how she was lifted from poverty and becoming a doctor, or Sri Lankin celebrity make up artist just like her dad!

I know it sounds impersonal, but the opportunity to contribute to a child's life regardless of being in the general area or not, is an honor. And hey, maybe one day like I am rich like Brad and Angie, I can fly Delish over to spend time with her real brothers and sisters...

DO SOMETHING NICE FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON! ADOPT A NUGGET!! I wonder if we all team up and give Delish $28.00 a month we can make her richest, trendiest Sri Lanka baby in Sri Lanka! PLEASE! Go to www.childfund.org and make a difference! Maybe find my new daughter and make her yours too! We can be like the internet version of that RIDICULOUS show "SISTER WIVES" on TLC and have a huge international polyamorous relationship and adopt tons of babies and out do Madonna AND Brangelina.

Suck it Pax, you aint got SHIT on DELISH!

Excuse me, is that MY PILL IN YOUR ASS?

2010-11-25T18:48:00.000-08:00

I stepped onto Virgin America flight 420, the brutal red eye, leaving LAX at 11:45pm arriving at JFK 7:05am, and immediately began fishing for my South African sleeping pills, aka my "Dormies." As I reached into my INCASE backpack, I felt for my pill case and thought to myself "fuck, if I don't have enough meds to knock myself out work tomorrow will be UNBEARABLE. I MUST sleep! The flight attendant scowled at me "SIR YOU MUST PUT THAT BAG OVER HEAD NOW!" ( I was in seat 1B on the plane and had no under seat room for the bag). As I fumbled with my backpack and tried to negotiate the pill from my bottle, like a scene from Valley of the Dolls, my one and only last "Dormie" slipped from my fingers and fell RIGHT into the man sitting in seat under me. Yes I said INTO him. As "Mr. Happy Crack" was leaning forward to remove his handsome Varvatos Converse shoes, his butt crack aka "coin slot" was exposed JUST ENOUGH for my pill to slide right inside of him. One would normally have to keep this story to himself and cut his losses, but since the Gestapo flight attendant was breathing down my back to ensure a speedy stow away, she saw the ENTIRE incident!

"Excuse me sir" I said as beads of sweat began to form at my freshly buzzed hairline. "Um, well, I know this is going to sound crazy, but as I was removing my sleeping pill from my bag, it, um... well, it fell into your ass crack!" Clearly he looked at me with dismay and disbelief. "NO HE DID, I SAW IT FALL INTO YOUR SEAT BACK!" Said Gestapo which made Happy Crack give a quick swipe behind him and said he could not find my pill. I slid into my seat like a child who had just watched his new puppy get run over by a garbage truck. After the cabin door was locked I realized this could be my last chance to recover my pill before it melted into his hot sweaty crack and knocked him out transdermally, as I sat and squirmed for 7 hours across the country. Finally, I built up the courage like any good pill popper would and leaned over toward Happy Crack. I tapped his leg, looked him in the eye and said "Listen sir, I know this is weird, I mean who throws pills in someones ass on purpose? Clearly this is a misunderstanding, and clearly Im not gaining anything by lying to you. Could you please get up and search your ass for my pill. You see, I got that pill in South Africa, its VERY STRONG, and its my LAST ONE! I realize you don't understand how it could be in your ASS, but I assure you, IT IS. I saw it fall into your crack as you leaned over to take your shoes off" Finally Happy Crack unbuckled his seatbelt, stood up, swallowed his pride and reached into his J.Crew briefs and pulled out my "Dormie." After looking at it in disbelief, he said "HOLY SHIT! HOW DID THAT GET IN THERE? I DIDNT EVEN FEEL IT" I aimed for the pill squinted my eyes closed and grabbed it shamefully then threw it back into my throat like it was the last pill I'd ever see. "Wow" he said, "I bet that didn't taste so good, GROSS." I said, "Listen buddy, you don't get it, and you don't need to, but sorry for you troubles. Id be happy to buy you a drink, just tell the flight attendant, its on me..." (We were in first class, the drinks were actually on Virgin America) I sat back, ordered a Jack on the rocks to swoosh around in my mouth and get rid of any and all "ass germs I may have acquired from taking my sweet little "Dormie."

For those of you who want to know what kind of sleeping pill it is see the information below:

1. Dormicum: Midazolam (pronounced /mɪˈdæzəlæm/, and marketed in English-speaking countries under brand names Dormicum,^[1] Hypnovel,^[2]and Versed^[3]) is a short-acting drug in the benzodiazepine class that is used for treatment of acute seizures and for inducing sedation and amnesia before medical procedures. It has potent anxiolytic, amnestic, hypnotic, anticonvulsant, skeletal muscle relaxant, andsedative properties.^[4]^[5]^[6] Midazolam has a fast recovery time and is the most commonly used benzodiazepine as a premedication for sedation; less commonly it is used for induction and maintenance of anesthesia. Flumazenil is a benzodiazepine antagonist drug that can be used to treat an overdose of midazolam as well as to reverse sedation.^[5] However, flumazenil can trigger seizures in mixed overdoses and in benzodiazepine dependent individuals so is not used in most cases.^[7]^[8]

Administration of midazolam by nose or the buccal route (absorption via the gums and cheek) as an alternative to rectally administereddiazepam is becoming increasingly popular for the emergency treatment of seizures in children.^[9] Midazolam is also used forendoscopy^[10] procedural sedation and sedation in intensive care.^[11]^[12] The anterograde amnesia property of midazolam is useful forpremedication before surgery to inhibit unpleasant memories.^[13] Midazolam, like many other benzodiazepines, has a rapid onset of action, high effectiveness and low toxicity level. Drawbacks of midazolam include drug interactions, tolerance, withdrawal syndrome as well as adverse events including cognitive impairment and sedation.^[13] Paradoxical effects occasionally occur and are most common in children, the elderly,^[13] and particularly after intravenous administration.^[14

^]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midazolam

QUITE THE BIG PACKAGE... HUH?

2010-11-10T21:59:00.000-08:00

So if you haven't seen Millionaire Matchmaker where I tag along on part of my best friend, Beth Shak's date... Check it out!

OR
Click the link A STRANGE DYNAMIC from Millionaire Matchmaker!

It was a blast being on the show!

MORE TO COME SOON! Stay put!

oxoxo

Its 3am I must be lonely....

2010-11-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

You've all seen me act a fool! You've all heard my sing my heart out....

Suddenly Seymour with Broadway STAR Danny Calvert

Suddenly Seymour Duet with Broadway STAR Danny Calvert

Just when you think you have seen my at my silliest, leave me alone for a few hours at Lydia's house with a guitar, in between filming. I have been using garage band and pro-tools for a while now. THIS is the end result...

(*You must let the video load or it wont be on time with my voice)

or watch it BETTER here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZC3sbLHTXU

If you're not a firm believer that I am a rockstar yet see the photo's below of my pretending to be one...

and yes, this can be "make fun of Jasen Kaplan" day!

Total Eclipse Of The Heart cover with Adrienne Bailon

Duet with Adrienne Bialon

FAMOUS ON UR ANUS?!

2010-11-03T18:53:00.001-07:00

Oh... I mean, URANUS.So apparently in contracts these days a clause was added to ensure coverage when life is extended to the MOON! "In perpetuity throughout the universe" is the phrase I am talking about. What does that have to do with anything? You will just have to stick around and find out!That being said. Recently I was on a german television show with my client Beth Shak. One of my best friends, my partner in crime, as well as the woman who brought me to South Africa. While I am not YET famous on the moon I have been getting a bit of press in Germany.I am super excited about actually having someone VOICE ME OVER! : )I realize this segment was not about me, I just LOVE being in it and having someone speak over my voice in German! It doesn't stop there! Next week, Tuesday November 9th, I will be appearing with Beth Shak on Bravo's hit series, Millionaire Matchmaker! One of the most fun days of my summer and you all get to watch!

So with nothing exciting to talk about this week *(legally I am contracted to silence until December) I want to share something fascinating from my past.A few years ago I began attending an event in Vienna Austria called Life Ball. The largest AIDS benefit in the world, with one of the most exciting after parties in perpetuity throughout the universe! Ok, Ok, so maybe thats NOT how you use that term, but If I don't get it in at LEAST one more time during this blog, the title is a waste. During Life Ball everyone wears AMAZING costumes and is dressed in a theme hence my crazy glitter eye, and Heatherette hoodie! I will show you some pictures from Life Ball!

TRIPPLE THREAT! Aubrey O'Day, Jenna Jameson, & Tinsley Mortimer

Wifey O'Day and Mark

Super Model Omahyra Mota

Jake Shears, Mackie Dugan, & Chris

Baby Daddy

Daniella Sea

Jenna Jameson

Random Austrian Signs.... If you can tell me what this means I will give you $5.00

A dramatic re-enactment from an "advert" on the street...

PS. Christopher James Luke Spinner, I love you...

Im going home! To the place where I belong!

2010-11-01T08:38:00.000-07:00

Living in the United States I have been taking for granted some major things. Showers, the ability to leave your house without being attacked by wild animals, food & water that doesn't make you explode from both ends simultaneously, a home with a door man, and many other things...

this is what lies outside the hotel rooms only feet away from my door!

I was so happy to check out of the “resort” where some tourists spend thousands of dollars to enjoy nature/ animals, culture, and life beyond their realm. Even with Aunt Helen to entertain me, staying in JoBerg was NOT going to happen. Perhaps I will never have thick enough skin to travel to third world countries. Perhaps I will never have the money or opportunity to see the world, with the “bubble of luxury” around me enough to enjoy it. When I get home I will try NOT to take things for granted.

After the hotel manager to helped me flee the resort today with Beth, Drew, and my THE BIG HAND.

I arrived at the airport with NO ticket home. Originally I was supposed to depart November 1st. Leaping out of the car service, Beth & Drew proceeded to Cape Town. I couldn’t handle any more AFRICA. I placed my bags on a trolly with the luggage porter, I proceeded to the ticket counter. IT WAS JUST ME AND MY HAND AGAIN!! Except this time there was a 55 pound luggage tagging along. When I reached the ticket counter I began pleading with the sales agent to put me on the next plane out to NYC. “A FAMILY MEMBER IS ILL IN THE US, AND THEY MAY PASS AWAY SOON!!” I pleaded. “Please sir, I called the travel agent yesterday and they told me I must change my ticket at the airport.” (the second part was true I was the one about to pass away from an anxiety attack). “I only have 100 rand (17$) left and I had to spend one thousand US dollars on the 3 nights left that I will not be refunded at the hotel. If you don’t help me I will have to sleep in the airport with my luggage and this big hand I purchased in Joberg.” He explained it would be $1350.00 USD to change my ticket today. As the tears naturally welled up in my eyes, I dramatically pulled out the last 100 rand I’d retrieved from the ATM & a Dior lip gloss (I always carry extra make up when traveling for reasons like this). I said “PLEASE! I will give you the rest of my money, and this very expensive & fancy make up, you must have a girlfriend to give it to! It is almost Christmas!” The man looked at me as if I had just tried to give him Paris Hilton’s chihuahua. He then asked me “Sir how much was that thing you bought? WHAT IS IT?” I lied and told him $500 rand and said it was just a stool made of metal. Again he looked at me like I was crazy & on drugs, and essentially I was. “OK” he said, “I will give you your ticket for just the change fee, $300 USD. But it will only be an economy seat in the back of the plane.” I looked at him as if he had just given me 70% off at the TOM FORD boutique on my entire purchase. “THANK YOU SO MUCH SIR, YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE”.... As I walked to the check in line, and my luggage assistant still in toe, I grabbed 20 singles out of my pocket to tip him. The check in attendant saw the pass off and said “WOW, THAT WAS NICE”. I explained to her it was only singles, but 20 of them and I would be happy to supply her with a crisp $20.00 bill and whipped out a tarte mascara from my stash. “This mascara will change your life! It is lash growing (total bullshit) and it is $60.00 in the USA!” (also total bullshit) she said “Well sir, business class is full, but I can move you to the exit row with extra leg room at the front of the plane. This seat usually will cost 1,500 Rand more”. “DEAL” I screamed, and I proceeded thank her and explain what my big bubble wrapped hand was and why she must check it like a golf bag, and NOT to charge me an extra fee.

Sign #1 this is going to be a rough trip.

Now I sit loptarded in my my economy class seat 3 rows behind the brave mother, for now sleeping baby, and a somewhat body odor reeking man. All of the things I hate the most! If God hasnt tried to make me greatful for something this trip, I don't know what has! This trip has taught me several things.

I realized this week how lucky I actually was when I was bitching and moaning over my hotel in the middle of one of the poorest AIDS stricken countries in the world. Not having a nice enough suite for me to stay in should have been the least of my worries. Customer service is something these people do not know because they have no luxury at all. What I consider luxury, these human beings who have the same hearts, souls, skin and blood, do not even comprehend. In most parts of South Arica, there was a level of poverty that I had never been affected by. I have had to endure what I consider torture in what these people consider a 4star hotel. I am lucky, I am blessed, and I needed to actually see that through experience. Don’t get me wrong, I have always known I am somewhat privileged, but to the extent that I am, it has taken until just now, for me to open my eyes fully.

this was HALF way point in my journey. 8.5 hours and 4 thousand miles.

#1 I am not cut out to travel unless it is in my contract upon arrival that there are suites at the hotel or accommodations no less than a sheraton 4star US STANDARD

#2 I live in a wonderful country and I am blessed to have nice things, and I want them around me at all times.

#3 DO NOT GET ON A FLIGHT over 4 hours unless it is business class or first class seat.

#4 I will start doing more charity work. While I may not want to endure these conditions, I can still help others who must.

OH! And one more thing, I must admit, I had my suitcase wrapped like a deli sandwich. It is going to be one of the most mortifying things I have ever done retrieving it from baggage claim. I may as well start clapping when this plane lands. Thats the kid of person I feel like right now.

At least I have my HAND....

2010-10-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

Growing up I was always close to my family. It has just become recently that people have started getting loose screws, and some relatives have sadly drifted apart. What does this have to do with South Africa you ask? Well I have met my new favorite, crazy, aunt Hellen.
"SHUT UP, JUST STOP TALKING AND BRING ME MY PRAWNS... YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW IF MY APPETIZER IS GOOD, JUST GO GET MY FOOD, I AM HUNGRY" Is what I heard being screamed across the dining room of the proper restaurant in my resort. I was sitting with one of the executives from Harrah's and he said, "oh, thats Hellen, she is a one of the poker players for the event. She is a bit crazy, don't mind her." "PLEASE" I said, "You MUST ask her to join us for dinner, she is all alone!" Nervous about having her at our dinner table, I was obliged, and Hellen was invited over....
Standing about 5 feet tall, fairly large boobies, pretty redish brown hair up in a quaff, and glitzy diamonds, this loud little drunk Chinese lady came to sit beside me. We carried on for about 3 hours, drinking bottle after bottle of wine talking about poker, about relationships, sex, and about how hard it is to be human. Needs, wants, desires, flaws, and how hard it was for her end her marriage after 30 years. "You must have an out. Everybody needs an out from reality, and poker is MY OUT! I will teach you!" said Hellen.
After groaning about having to leave my hotel room for the week and check into the "CHALLET" aka the HUT FROM HELL that I moaned and groaned about in my previous blog, Hellen yelled "NO, GO GET YOUR BAGS, YOU ARE SLEEPING IN MY ROOM!" (Picture a little Chinese lady accent because thats how it sounds! ) She pushed her room key in my pocket and told me to meet her in the casino after I dropped off my bags...

Only I would meet a 60 year old poker playing, chinese fire-cracker, and 3 hours later be invited to sleep in her bed while in Africa. Needless to say, I was too uncomfortable to take her up on her offer so I proceeded to my hell hut.

The next morning I was told I was being transferred to a deluxe suite hut, so I packed my things and met Drew by the pool! Beth was playing her final table in the casino and drew and I were chatting when Hellen came bombing over! "COME ON, WHERE IS THE LIQUOR, WAITRESS! GIVE ME SOME PRAWNS!"
Please keep in mind, we are poolside at a safari resort, there isn't a waitress in SITE, and you have a better chance of being eaten by a lion than you do a waitress hearing you scream!
Finally the publicist for the event heard Hellen and brought out one of the hotel bartenders, who then became our poolside waitress.
Within minutes, Hellen was asking me about my tattoo's and Drew told her about the star I had on my wanker. "NO, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE, YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME THINK YOU HAVE TATTOO... SHOW ME YOUR PENIS, I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU!"
I was mortified as the 6 other guests stared at me waiting for me to whip out my privates in front of this 60 year old chinese lady! Needless to say, I gave in, and had her calling me the big dipper for the rest of the day.
That night we caught wind there was a booze cruise South African style on the river! Hellen and I could not have signed up any faster! "I pay for you Jasen. It my treat! We drink and get out of this dump, lets go buy jumpers so we are not cold on the water" After buying everyone in the gift shop clothing, and "EXTRA INCASE SOMEONE GET COLD" she screamed, we walked to the yacht....

As we sat down to get our drinks, Hellen ordered us, and the 12 other passengers double cocktails. When the bartender began to pour the cola into the jack on the rocks, Hellen screamed "NO DO NOT POUR, I WANT JUST TO POUR MYSELF, NEVER POUR AGAIN!"

You can read his mind... OK CRAZY LADY, I GIVE YOU HOW YOU LIKE... DONT KILL ME!!

Now, I realize I make Hellen sound mean, loud, and abrasive, but that is because she is.... On the flip side, I think she is one of the most caring, lovely, motherly type women I have ever met! After living years of suppression and that combined with perhaps being Chinese, Hellen has an edge to her that most 60yr old little ladies do not have. I am in love........

Can you not see the tenderness in her look and touch. I really want to move in with Aunt Hellen!

As we departed down the river I took some breath taking views of South Africa that really made me almost tear up!

Hellen took this! She made me pose with my profile! Not flattering!

Apparently I have a reputation around here now for being a bit loud. Now that my new best friend is Hellen, and she is the loudest little chinese woman you have EVER heard/ seen in your life, people are doing me favors... Today the girl at the front dest told me how to go into town and get the best sleeping pills on the market! Then she arranged for our group to take a driver into the city of Johannesburg where we could shop at the markets and get crafts and art from locals! It was PHENOMENAL!

The jewelry was AMAZING, and the craftsmanship was so beautiful. There was silver gold and diamonds for THOUSANDS, and cheaper costume jewelry for cheap! I spent tons of money. ALL OF THE SUDDEN I SAW WHAT I NEEDED. There was an artist there that had been crafting out of steel. HUGE pieces and very expensive. A particular piece caught my eye and I had to buy it! It was 6,700 Zar. Obviously I didnt have the money on my to barter for it so Hellen screamed at me. "HERE TAKE THIS AND DO NOT SUFFER OVER DECISION." I didn't want to take her wad of cash but she insisted, so I added it to my remanning Zar (or REND as the call it) and purchased this piece... NOW HOW DO I GET IT HOME?!

]

THIS SHOULD BE GOOD AT THE AIRPORT....

And I may be alone here in africa, but now.... AT LEAST I HAVE MY BIG HAND!!!!

Being Alone...

2010-10-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

Being alone is not just a physical or metaphysical feeling. Alone usually refers to the condition of solitude. However, to FEEL alone can be even worse than just sitting by yourself in a room.

I have traveled to a country where one can spend thousands of dollars in minutes. Whether it be on diamonds, gold, or a luxurious experience. I am in a place where you can be whisked away by a private concierge into a shopping haven only to be kidnaped and thrown into the most dangerous, poverty stricken, ghetto or hostel environment you have ever seen.

It was explained to me by my driver yesterday that driving through certain parts of Johannesburg, South Africa, WILL lead to death. After commuting from a remote "resort" into town for shopping or any type of activity, it becomes apparent that Joberg, and its surrounding areas happen to be one of the scariest places on earth.

I have never seen so many desperate people in my life! Staggering down the freeway in work suits, walking for miles to provide for their families. A country where poverty is the majority, and if your life isn't threatened by a human, an animal could eat you alive on your way through town. I have never been so unsettled in my life.

I was temporarily assigned to a 4 star hotel room. (the stars of course were assigned by the south african board of commission, NOT by your standard system. IE; W Hotel times square 4 stars)
This hotel has rooms that are hygienic. I have been sleeping on a mattress free of mites (so i pray), but more uncomfortable than a bus seat on the Greyhound. A staff that keeps to their duties out of obligation, and zero regard for customer service.

This 4 star hotel has been over booked this week due to the WSOP. As explained in my last blog, I was not going to be able to sleep in the Emerald Resort, standard room for long.
The "Chalets" as they refer to them are proper HUTS, 3 km. from the actual hotel. Covered in bugs, no phones or showers in the rooms, these "economy" rooms are fit for sleeping, but only as a last resort. Had I been used to wilderness camping, or a homeless person, Id fancy this situation a bit.

I have been subjected to a way of life that has opened my eyes to what America has to offer. Being unhappy means turning your back on the accommodations provided and traveling down the freeway a mile or so to a better fit. Here, its take cover, pray for safety, and scratch until you bleed from the bugs. UNLESS you are in the proper casino building which bumped ME out because of over crowding.

Dont get me wrong, I respect camping. I think those who choose to go on an adventure, and are fully prepared with ammunition, food and water, walkie talkies, and most times their POWER IN NUMBERS. In this case being forced into the hut was NOT MY CHOICE.

I have felt alone the times I haven't been with Beth and Drew, knowing there was no such thing as "customer service." Once we all turned in for bed, it was a free for all, whether it be animals, bugs, or criminals coming to infringe upon my safety.

Whats worse about being here, is not the solidarity I find at times, nor is it the danger in whats around me. It is knowing I am ALONE. The people who love me in the US, not ever being able to understand what I am going through. People saying "suck it up and deal with it, or just COME HOME."

Life doesn't work that way. Unfortunately, when I sign up for something, I can not just hop on a plane and fly home. Some experiences I've signed up for in NYC, I can "escape," but being completely across the world, I must suffer through the cards dealt.

I want to add, experiencing the world through different eyes is a blessing. I am so lucky to see this type of life, to push my feet through this dirt and see how some people live life. I am grateful to be safe at the moment and NOT held captive by a native for ransom. But to have the feeling of being ALONE is profound. Explaining my conditions to loved ones, and to not have them comprehend my fear, discomfort, or surroundings, truly makes me feel alone...

That being said, God bless the children around me. I feel pain for the men and women who are terrified for their lives on a daily basis just by LIVING in this country. The statistics involving AIDS are astounding, and rape and robbery are just an epidemic.

I may feel alone now, but I have the blessing of coming home to NYC and recovering. The people of JoBerg do not.

Alone is not just a condition of solitude I have learned, It is a very real feeling and state of mind.

REALLY... MONKEY GLAND SAUCE?

2010-10-24T16:33:00.000-07:00

One thing I can certainly relate to about South African culture is MALL LIFE. One of the most facinating things about this place is how many INTENSE shopping complexes they have. Think mall of America, or King of Prussia, or for my Jersey folk Garden State Plaza. There are towns full of hostel environments and shanty's with no running water or power, and the next block, THE INTERCONTINENTAL and a 67,758 square foot mall. Thats 5 thousand more sq ft than KOP, swear, google it.

Some things I can NOT relate to are their hotel rating system, desire to eat strange things, and ability to glorify a room with a bed better than any other country and call it a "HOTEL"

Before I complain I want to ephasize what a BEAUTIFUL dinner I had last night at this steak house in the mall area. With steak knives made of giraffe bone, and kudo horn. Some of the best foods I have ever eaten. There was also options for sides of "MONKEY GLAND SAUCE" and chicken legs....

Giraffe bone/ Kudo Horn steak knives

REALLY? 10K dollar knives and no electricity down the street?

Yes thats right, MONKEY GLAND SAUCE...

So after deciding of the filet, and passing on the actual chicken fingers for an appy,

Now don't get me wrong, I am up for trying new things, as encouraged by my friend Matt Bell, but I wanted to just eat my steak.

After dinner the host's brother, who was so kind, took me for a tour of the meat locker. It was so fascinating to see where my meat cam from, and at the level of quality that this butcher kept, I was not grossed out. What's funny, is how this view, was not kept from anyone who wanted to stroll past while eating dinner...

And then I was peer pressured to eat some Bull Tongue.... I thought Id never get though it, but little did I know it would be the most PLEASANT thing to happen to me this week.

It tasted what Id imagine beef jerky to taste like with a bit more freshness and flavor. Giving that the hosts of the dinner were so generous and wonderful, I couldn't insult them by saying NO WAY YOUR MEAT IS GROSS... So I just took it. And to be honest, it was BETTER than a slm jim.

When I got back to my hotel room, that I didnt know was going to be ripped out before me the next morning, I thought, "Awe how cute! The ladies made my bed sheets look like a Vagina." Little did I know this pseudo vagina was going to be the BEST thing I could ever wish for in South Africa. As I curled up into my cotton labia, I allowed my ambian to kick in and take me to the next morning despite the "jungle tunes" I could hear from the hallway out side my room.

Go ahead, tell me my bed doesn't have "labia"

Beth and I planned a wonderful day shopping for ACTUAL African crafts and authentic jewelry in the "unsafe" part of town, to ensure authenticity. Lets be honest, nobody wants a Nigerian knock off.

Once we returned to the hotel with our bounty, I received notice that I had to change rooms to accommodate "some high roller" poker players. You know me, I am a suppressed diva who likes a nice thread count and a SICK SHOWER, or just a door that locks will be fine....
Well I was being moved to the "CHALLET"
I fought and fought. ALMOST CRIED, until I found out the head of the casino, who happens to be hot, lives in a "pimped out version of these" So I graciously appeased.
Upon arrival up a 2 mile trek out side the resort, I arrived at what looks like my fathers tool shed. ALL GLASS DOORS, that hardly lock, safe right. The mosquito's in the HUT were overwhelming so I ran to my bed to cry, except it was more like a twin sized box spring covered in faux fur blankets. I DIE....
The amount of bugs made me want to run out but being that I was in the middle of the african hills, surrounded by criminals and dangerous animals, I figured I could wash up, take drugs and go to sleep.
Um NO, guess what NO SHOWER... There is what I called a poop room. (yeah you guessed it, Gas station like facilities). Im not a whiner and an complainer, but this is ROUGHING IT at its most, with 0 pay off...

Im sorry, I cant even be funny under these conditions. Whats also weird, was I had to LOCK myself in using a KEY, so i cant even get drunk enough to stumble out and feed myself to a lion or something....
LORD HELP ME.

Oh wanna see whos sitting on my "front lawn"

At least I'd rather die from a pussy whipping than a mosquito bite causing malaria.

Sure as shit NOT IN KANSAS anymore Toto...

2010-10-23T02:16:00.000-07:00

It was nice to sit and relax yesterday. Our day began having a typical south African lunch consisting of chicken with various sauces to choose from, buffalo or salad. Beth, Drew and I opted for Chicken... I took mine grilled with a side of chica-chica sauce, it was a mix between honey mustard and chica (i have no idea). Breakfast sort of scares us here as we are not sure why the dining halls smell like curry at this time, and none of us trust the eggs or what they call bacon. Trust a fattie, BACON DON'T LOOK LIKE THIS....
After a beer or two, we all strolled down to the pool. Sitting poolside in South Africa this time of year is IDEAL, the sun is out, the breeze is flowing but for some reason you just SOAK up those rays and don't feel a thing until you've gone inside and rinsed off unveiling stage 3 melanoma. CLEARLY based on my education in skin care I lathered SPF 50 on my face, SPF 150 on my arm tattoo, and figured, ehh what the hell, i will let my legs and one arm get a little tan. BAD IDEA.... NOTE TO SELF AND OTHERS.

Beth, Drew and I were all quietly sitting discussing life, business, the random AIDS commercials on TV here, and what not, when all of the sudden we saw what looked like if Chiquita Banana, robbed Cher, and ran off into the sunset with David Bowie.... Clearly I jumped out of my seat, grabbed Drew's professional camera, my cell cam, and DARTED for the grassy noel where they were "Posing"
Please what I had the honor of witnessing. (keep in mind, they were surrounded by photographers, and what appeared to be happy family members.)

After looking like paparazzo, it was explained to me these "kids" were preparing for their MATRIC FAREWELL. "A good-bye to 12th grade) and apparently any dignity or style they may have had or ever will have.

The mother of this lovely young ~~dancing with the South African stars contestant~~ lady, had actually been SO KIND. She was explaining that it was like what we call a senior prom in America "but with much fancier more sophisticated attire" Mum, then invited me along! She said I could actually GO WITH HER to the prom and that she would drive me both to and from so I could also experience it. (clearly she miss-took my AWE at their ~~costumes~~ fancy attire for something else. But lets be honest. She was so sweet. And also lets be honest, from the looks of that dress, "Miss Thing" will be pregnant by the time the night is over.

I went back to my suite at the hotel to freshen up for dinner, and anyone who knows my is aware I do not shave my entire face with a straight razor. I buzz my checks and neck and then clean up my neck with a blade. Well note to self: plugging American machines into African holes makes them EXPLODE. I was almost responsible for the forest fire of Nairobi.... I burnt the shit out of my hand and was forced to BIC my face.

I know its not the end of the world, but when they only serve one measured out shot at a time per drink here and you have to order TRIPLES, its not easy to drink the pain away...

Beth & Drew decided we were going to the "Fancy" steak house for dinner. When we arrived we were greeted by THE MOST lovely little South African native. Pretty white girl *(the only white south African we'd met on the trip) with a sweet and charming accent. She told us we should all have the CHEESY GARLIC BREAD and the FISH PLATTER to start, "ohhh ohhh and you mustn't forget to try the dried buffalo tongue" she emphasized.
"You know what I said" "We do exactly what you recommend but we will pass on the buffalo. Is it an actual tongue?" Our waitress looked at me as if I had said something appalling and replied, "But OF COURSE IT IS, COVERED IN OUR SECRET SOUTH AFRICAN BLEND OF SEASONING"
I said "Yeah, NO, I mean definitely, no thank you as delicious as it sounds we don't eat red meat"
"Oh and Beth and I will have the Chicken Parmesan to share, and Drew will have the Fillet, medium rare", I exclaimed... Yes we know, its meat, but lets not read into it.
When the seafood plate came it had an array of prawns, langoustines, calamari, and this large bug thing they called a lobster, and my FAVORITE fish, which I had never seen or tasted, the KING KLIP. It was DELICIOUS. I didn't like the lobster however. it looked like some kind of bug, and being that they are called the cockroach of the sea, all I could envision was JUST THAT. A big red ROACH.

Where were the delicious red CLAWS and the meaty tail? I'm sorry LOBSTER FAIL! Please stop referring to that creature as a LOBSTER. I bet you that's what happens to a sea monkey when they reach puberty. Hmmmmm... Makes you wonder!

I would also like to say that the "Chicken Parmesan" was DELICIOUS. However, it was not Parmesan. It was much like a breaded and fried chicken breast with a SIDE bowl of honey mustard, or maybe that chica chica sauce. But there was nothing Parmesan-ie about it....

After our 3rd bottle of wine, a delicious blanc I might add, we decided to order (or I ordered for the table) a nice after dinner cordial. After explaining Baileys on the rocks, she explained she only had Amerula

IT WAS DELICIOUS! A creamy rich almost plum taste. I was a huge fan *(duty free here I come)

By that time we were pretty "tipsy" and really began having a heart to heart with our waitress about life in South Africa, Johannesburg specifically. She had tears in her eyes most of the conversation while explaining every night when she is driving home to her parents house, she had to pray they weren't murdered or kidnapped. Apparently it is not uncommon for such terrorizing behavior by the locals, and that theft and murder is more common than not. Last week her best friend was kidnapped after her entire family was tied up and robbed then beaten for no reason. This is her every day reality. This sad girl had no idea there were even places in this world where this was SO UNHEARD OF, and much more of a shocking headline news story rather than an expectation. It made me sad to think all of these people live in fear.

I got my friends drunk enough to go to the casino so we stopped at the cash machine where I withdrew $500.00 ren. Thinking I was going to be a baller that night and WIN BIG we walked into the "Players Club" and since we were with Beth they let us right in!

I started at a $200 minimum bet roulette table, and straight away lost $200ren. I was so upset, finally, went to black jack and quadrupled our chips...

Before we could part ways, our drunkie sweet tooth took us to the on site 24hr "Candy Store" where we all got ice cream... I SWEAR A GAY MAN RUNS THIS PLACE! check this out....

If you don't get the joke, ask Ben Andrews...

When I went back to my hotel room I logged on to my bank account to see what this conversion rate had done to my financial situation?! How much money did I loose? How much did I spend?! ARE YOU READY FOR THE GRAND TOTAL!

$68.00. THAT'S RIGHT. SIXTY-EIGHT AMERICAN DOLLARS! Turned into an African FORTUNE....

Today we are going to the town's market, in JoBerg for some shopping. I am sure I will have tons to report back on!

Sala hantle - That is SeSotho for goodbye!

Who's Kim Kardashian?

2010-10-22T05:00:00.000-07:00

The posee of lip ring'ed folk had begun to gather at the front of the line which lead me to believe being pierced on your face was not a South African tradition. This made me feel much better about everything already.

My xanax had worn off about 1.5 hours prior to landing and I had pee'd out all 4 bottles of wine, so I was about as sober as Courtney Love on her "detox day." For some reason every time I have to identify myself at a customs, (and I know my friend Kristy Adams can relate) I begin to sweat like a Lohan w/o her caffine. For some reason I have the conscience of O.J. Simpson and I shake as though I am smuggling black tar heroine in my anal cavity. (lord knows I wasn't, that would have interfered with my chemical warfare tactics on the plane ride over). I have never had a reason to worry, my passport is legit, and I am only going on vacation. However, the series of questions I'm asked at the border makes me stumble my words and I am always worried they are going to throw me in a room for questioning and treat me like a criminal. I was given the "go ahead" and I ran for my luggage like I had just avoided arrest.

I knew I was in a foreign country when I saw the suitcases coming through the turn style wrapped up like this...

I am not quite sure why people do this. I MEAN, you aren't even supposed to lock your luggage, how is THIS aloud?

Finally I had found my driver, he was holding a sign that said JANSEON KAPLIN. I assumed that was me and I asked if he was going to the Emerald Casino/ Resort. He shook my hand and said oh yes, sir please come with me. I asked if he had any documentation to ensure he wasnt a creeper getting ready to take me to a factory when I would be forced into labor carving wooden elephants later to be sold to tourists at the town center. He said, "Sir I am an official driver, look I am wearing orange and black." Oh yes, of course, I must have been crazy.... So I followed him to his vehicle. I am sorry I do not have a picture of this Mercedes mini-van but I was a bit too scared to remove my blackberry from my bag. I was told to seem as poor as possible in order to not get robbed.

Once in the van with Joohlatsooh *(that was his name) we began talking about South Africa, and I was asking him more questions than Oprah did in her interview with the polygamists in Utah. He asked me to sit in the front seat with him so I felt sort of obligated to speak/ GRILL him and get any information possible. The scenery on the way to my resort was somewhat typical but with extra grass and birds. I was DYING to see tigers, zebra's , and monkeys! But this was all that I saw:

Next I began to enquire about "pop culture" in SA, and what kind of drugs people used. I was told that everything American was copied as far as TV went, and that there was ONE break out star who sang R&B, but for the most part they listened to our music. I asked him who was more famous here, Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian. "WHO?" He replied. "Who is this Kim Kardashian?" "Paris Hilton is not very famous anymore, but my girlfriend loves Fantasia Barrino." WHAT?! YOU DONT KNOW KIM BUT YOU KNOW FANTASIA BARRINO? I love this country.

I arrived at my hotel. It is pretty!

But once inside I found some signs that I think Ellen Degeneres could have a ball with! First of all, Im not sure why the floors in the corridor would get slippery but apparently Mr. Magoo learned his lesson:

and I am not sure if there is a big gay community in South Africa but if there is I am pretty sure they all eat at this restaurant in my resort!

I am also wondering if this vending machine is a play on words for women's feminine napkins or something... I wasn't sure but don't have my period so I didn't need to find out.

My flight to South Africa, THE JOURNEY BEGINS.

2010-10-21T01:48:00.000-07:00

I arrived at JFK airport a good hour before my trip. I am a firm believer that 2 or more hours is a waste of time, and lets be honest, any good traveler knows the proper way to skip lines, finagle your way to the front of security if necessary, board first, and drug up once seated.

With a new NARS lipgloss, fresh DIOR mascara, & MAC blush in hand, praying there would be a woman checking me in and taking my bag, and there was, I negotiated an upgrade (for barter) on my seat. Lets be honest, what girl doest love make up? It works every time.

The moment I got to gate 27 I was excited to look around at my fellow travelers, its also important for me to mentally prepare what kind of people are going to be sitting around me on the plane. I noticed a lot of what looked like back-packers, a few nicely dressed business-y looking folk, and about 3 families. There were no disabled people so I decided to use one of my travel tips taught to my by my Aunt Debbie growing up. I approached the desk and explained my hip surgery last month and it would be helpful if I could pre-board to avoid standing behind all of those pesky families with small children on the “loading tube.” SCORE....

Needless to say God punished me because after getting settled into my seat and taking my first 2 xanax to ensure proper intoxication levels upon take off, a family with 3 kids sat in the row behind me. How does a father of three afford business class on a trip to South Africa with his ENTIRE FAMILY?

After my xanax kicked in I decided to lean back for a nap while watching SEX IN THE CITY 2 (not so good by the way) while suddenly the 6 year old began to kick my seat and scream like a maniac. Come on now, dont tell me at 6 this behavior is appropriate. This went on for a good 20 minutes. I HAD TO THINK OF SOMETHING TO TORTURE THEM BACK. The only way I figured I could punish these people was to try my very hardest to pass gas. Believe me when I tell you, and I know this sounds gross, but the behavior of these children deserved chemical warfare. Now, keep in mind the feeling, and don't lie, you know its happened to you, upon passing gas in a group of people you almost need to start laughing your ass off. No pun intended. Its almost like puking and crying, it goes hand and hand. So, I was able to pass enough stinky gas for the woman to scold her disobedient child, while the other laughed in hysteria, basically admitting to the gas problem without actually saying “IT WAS ME MOM, IT WAS ME!”

FInally the parents stepped up to the plate and began occupying their beasts... Now dont get me wrong, I love most children, well only if they are on the spectrum that is, but I dont want to travel with any of them. May this be a tip for parents, if you can sedate your dogs for travel, you can sedate your child. We all know that 25 milligrams of benadryl has never killed ANYBODY.

I am currently flying over Liberia with a destination local time of 2:01am, its 8:02pm in NYC so I am on my 3rd half bottle of wine and 4th xanax, hence the full admission of my intentional gas passing. The movie selection is pretty lame so I figured I would share my thoughts, feelings and travel tips in this entry. Stay tuned for some more when I land, I wont babble as my sedatives kick in.

CIAO FOR NOW..... See you in the jungle!

Getting ready for my trip...

2010-10-18T18:58:00.000-07:00

So, its been no secret that I am off to Johannesburg, South Africa on Wednesday morning. One of my dear friends, Matt Bell decided to leave NYC and moved to Arequipa, Peru but not with out starting one of my favorite blogs on the world wide web. After reading Where The Eagles Have Been. I became inspired to write my own blog.... If all goes well, this blog will continue well after my trip to South Africa and I will take you on the journey of what I call a life... So here I go!

To get myself in the mind set of leaving my homeland to depart on a journey across the world, I spent part of my weekend where anyone leaving NYC, would go. QUEENS NY. I figured by going through a 21 hour flight on South African Airlines all by myself, I would need to put myself through a mid level of torture that could only partially compare, A BUS IN QUEENS.

After packing some home made goat cheese/ mushroom bread, spinach dip, fresh picnic sandwiches and 2 large flasks, we all met up at 23rd and 6th Avenue to begin our "journey" on the F train uptown. 8 assholes from NYC come bombing out of the subway looking for the bus only to find there is a civilized line of people all waiting to go about their day. Little do they know, there is about to be a huge kink in their plan to commute calmly on a lovely Saturday afternoon.

My friends and I decided to go to a pumpkin farm / corn MAZE, to kick off the fall season. Arriving at the farm all you saw was Families with small children. Everything was about to change. Here we were, running up to the nearest picnic table to spread out our food and vodka drinks all while getting attacked by bees....

After noticing what might have been the cutest family on the farm, my friends and I decided to take on the Corn Maze... Sounds easy right? I mean it must be if its for families of small children.
BOY WERE WE WRONG.
Whoever designed this thing certainly didnt take into account there would be drunk city folk running around.

I of course was the "leader of the pack" holding our group flag, which at some point got lost in the brush...
After being asked to leave the MAZE by the farm staff, my friends and I decided to go and have a pumpkin painting contest. My pumpkin was of course, the best....

What do you think???

If you dont believe me, ask the people sitting on the Q17 bus. I initiated an "America's Next Top Pumpkin" walk off, and strutted my stuff (by stuff i mean pumpkin) down the entire bus, asking everyone to vote.

It is now Monday night, just 2 days before my trip and I have begun my Malaria vaccine. I chose to do my typhoid shots 2 weeks earlier to avoid all of the side effects happening at once. Lets just say this was smart. If you are ever going to travel, and need the Hep, Typhoid, Malaria Vaccine cocktail, I advise spreading it out.
I dont know how I am going to physically contain myself for the entire flight however given just how UNEASY my belly is from these pills. This is rough.

My next dilemma is packing. What does one wear in South Africa? I guess I will have a full report for you upon my arrival.
Stay tuned for pictures, comments and of course judgement on fellow travelers....