Excuse me, is that MY PILL IN YOUR ASS?

I stepped onto Virgin America flight 420, the brutal red eye, leaving LAX at 11:45pm arriving at JFK 7:05am, and immediately began fishing for my South African sleeping pills, aka my "Dormies." As I reached into my INCASE backpack, I felt for my pill case and thought to myself "fuck, if I don't have enough meds to knock myself out work tomorrow will be UNBEARABLE. I MUST sleep! The flight attendant scowled at me "SIR YOU MUST PUT THAT BAG OVER HEAD NOW!" ( I was in seat 1B on the plane and had no under seat room for the bag). As I fumbled with my backpack and tried to negotiate the pill from my bottle, like a scene from Valley of the Dolls, my one and only last "Dormie" slipped from my fingers and fell RIGHT into the man sitting in seat under me. Yes I said INTO him. As "Mr. Happy Crack" was leaning forward to remove his handsome Varvatos Converse shoes, his butt crack aka "coin slot" was exposed JUST ENOUGH for my pill to slide right inside of him. One would normally have to keep this story to himself and cut his losses, but since the Gestapo flight attendant was breathing down my back to ensure a speedy stow away, she saw the ENTIRE incident!

"Excuse me sir" I said as beads of sweat began to form at my freshly buzzed hairline. "Um, well, I know this is going to sound crazy, but as I was removing my sleeping pill from my bag, it, um... well, it fell into your ass crack!" Clearly he looked at me with dismay and disbelief. "NO HE DID, I SAW IT FALL INTO YOUR SEAT BACK!" Said Gestapo which made Happy Crack give a quick swipe behind him and said he could not find my pill. I slid into my seat like a child who had just watched his new puppy get run over by a garbage truck. After the cabin door was locked I realized this could be my last chance to recover my pill before it melted into his hot sweaty crack and knocked him out transdermally, as I sat and squirmed for 7 hours across the country. Finally, I built up the courage like any good pill popper would and leaned over toward Happy Crack. I tapped his leg, looked him in the eye and said "Listen sir, I know this is weird, I mean who throws pills in someones ass on purpose? Clearly this is a misunderstanding, and clearly Im not gaining anything by lying to you. Could you please get up and search your ass for my pill. You see, I got that pill in South Africa, its VERY STRONG, and its my LAST ONE! I realize you don't understand how it could be in your ASS, but I assure you, IT IS. I saw it fall into your crack as you leaned over to take your shoes off" Finally Happy Crack unbuckled his seatbelt, stood up, swallowed his pride and reached into his J.Crew briefs and pulled out my "Dormie." After looking at it in disbelief, he said "HOLY SHIT! HOW DID THAT GET IN THERE? I DIDNT EVEN FEEL IT" I aimed for the pill squinted my eyes closed and grabbed it shamefully then threw it back into my throat like it was the last pill I'd ever see. "Wow" he said, "I bet that didn't taste so good, GROSS." I said, "Listen buddy, you don't get it, and you don't need to, but sorry for you troubles. Id be happy to buy you a drink, just tell the flight attendant, its on me..." (We were in first class, the drinks were actually on Virgin America)  I sat back, ordered a Jack on the rocks to swoosh around in my mouth and get rid of any and all "ass germs I may have acquired from taking my sweet little "Dormie."

For those of you who want to know what kind of sleeping pill it is see the information below:

1. Dormicum: Midazolam (pronounced /mɪˈdæzəlæm/, and marketed in English-speaking countries under brand names Dormicum,^[1] Hypnovel,^[2]and Versed^[3]) is a short-acting drug in the benzodiazepine class that is used for treatment of acute seizures and for inducing sedation and amnesia before medical procedures. It has potent anxiolytic, amnestic, hypnotic, anticonvulsant, skeletal muscle relaxant, andsedative properties.^[4][5][6] Midazolam has a fast recovery time and is the most commonly used benzodiazepine as a premedication for sedation; less commonly it is used for induction and maintenance of anesthesia. Flumazenil is a benzodiazepine antagonist drug that can be used to treat an overdose of midazolam as well as to reverse sedation.^[5] However, flumazenil can trigger seizures in mixed overdoses and in benzodiazepine dependent individuals so is not used in most cases.^[7][8]

Administration of midazolam by nose or the buccal route (absorption via the gums and cheek) as an alternative to rectally administereddiazepam is becoming increasingly popular for the emergency treatment of seizures in children.^[9] Midazolam is also used forendoscopy^[10] procedural sedation and sedation in intensive care.^[11][12] The anterograde amnesia property of midazolam is useful forpremedication before surgery to inhibit unpleasant memories.^[13] Midazolam, like many other benzodiazepines, has a rapid onset of action, high effectiveness and low toxicity level. Drawbacks of midazolam include drug interactions, tolerance, withdrawal syndrome as well as adverse events including cognitive impairment and sedation.^[13] Paradoxical effects occasionally occur and are most common in children, the elderly,^[13] and particularly after intravenous administration.^[14

^]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midazolam