Being Alone...

Being alone is not just a physical or metaphysical feeling. Alone usually refers to the condition of solitude. However, to FEEL alone can be even worse than just sitting by yourself in a room.

I have traveled to a country where one can spend thousands of dollars in minutes. Whether it be on diamonds, gold, or a luxurious experience. I am in a place where you can be whisked away by a private concierge into a shopping haven only to be  kidnaped and thrown into the most dangerous, poverty stricken, ghetto or hostel environment you have ever seen.

It was explained to me by my driver yesterday that driving through certain parts of Johannesburg, South Africa, WILL lead to death. After commuting from a remote "resort" into town for shopping or any type of activity, it becomes apparent that Joberg, and its surrounding areas happen to be one of the scariest places on earth.

I have never seen so many desperate people in my life! Staggering down the freeway in work suits, walking for miles to provide for their families. A country where poverty is the majority, and if your life isn't threatened by a human, an animal could eat you alive on your way through town. I have never been so unsettled in my life.

I was temporarily assigned to a 4 star hotel room. (the stars of course were assigned by the south african board of commission, NOT by your standard system. IE; W Hotel times square 4 stars)
This hotel has rooms that are hygienic. I have been sleeping on a mattress free of mites (so i pray), but more uncomfortable than a bus seat on the Greyhound. A staff that keeps to their duties out of obligation, and zero regard for customer service.

This 4 star hotel has been over booked this week due to the WSOP. As explained in my last blog, I was not going to be able to sleep in the Emerald Resort, standard room for long.
The "Chalets" as they refer to them are proper HUTS, 3 km. from the actual hotel. Covered in bugs, no phones or showers in the rooms, these "economy" rooms are fit for sleeping, but only as a last resort. Had I been used to wilderness camping, or a homeless person, Id fancy this situation a bit.

I have been subjected to a way of life that has opened my eyes to what America has to offer. Being unhappy means turning your back on the accommodations provided and traveling down the freeway a mile or so to a better fit. Here, its take cover, pray for safety, and scratch until you bleed from the bugs. UNLESS you are in the proper casino building which bumped ME out because of over crowding.

Dont get me wrong, I respect camping. I think those who choose to go on an adventure, and are fully prepared with ammunition, food and water, walkie talkies, and most times their POWER IN NUMBERS. In this case being forced into the hut was NOT MY CHOICE.

I have felt alone the times I haven't been with Beth and Drew, knowing there was no such thing as "customer service." Once we all turned in for bed, it was a free for all, whether it be animals, bugs, or criminals coming to infringe upon my safety.

Whats worse about being here, is not the solidarity I find at times, nor is it the danger in whats around me. It is knowing I am ALONE. The people who love me in the US, not ever being able to understand what I am going through. People saying "suck it up and deal with it, or just COME HOME."

Life doesn't work that way.  Unfortunately, when I sign up for something, I can not just hop on a plane and fly home. Some experiences I've signed up for in NYC, I can "escape," but being completely across the world, I must suffer through the cards dealt.

I want to add, experiencing the world through different eyes is a blessing. I am so lucky to see this type of life, to push my feet through this dirt and see how some people live life. I am grateful to be safe at the moment and NOT held captive by a native for ransom.  But to have the feeling of being ALONE is profound. Explaining my conditions to loved ones, and to not have them comprehend my fear, discomfort, or surroundings, truly makes me feel alone...

That being said, God bless the children around me. I feel pain for the men and women who are terrified for their lives on a daily basis just by LIVING in this country. The statistics involving AIDS are astounding, and rape and robbery are just an epidemic.

I may feel alone now, but I have the blessing of coming home to NYC and recovering. The people of JoBerg do not.

Alone is not just a condition of solitude I have learned, It is a very real feeling and state of mind.