REALLY... MONKEY GLAND SAUCE?

One thing I can certainly relate to about South African culture is MALL LIFE. One of the most facinating things about this place is how many INTENSE shopping complexes they have. Think mall of America, or King of Prussia, or for my Jersey folk Garden State Plaza. There are towns full of hostel environments and shanty's with no running water or power, and the next block, THE INTERCONTINENTAL and a 67,758 square foot mall. Thats 5 thousand more sq ft than KOP, swear, google it.

Some things I can NOT relate to are their hotel rating system, desire to eat strange things, and ability to glorify a room with a bed better than any other country and call it a "HOTEL"

Before I complain I want to ephasize what a BEAUTIFUL dinner I had last night at this steak house in the mall area. With steak knives made of giraffe bone, and kudo horn. Some of the best foods I have ever eaten. There was also options for sides of "MONKEY GLAND SAUCE" and chicken legs....

Giraffe bone/ Kudo Horn steak knives

REALLY? 10K dollar knives and no electricity down the street?

Yes thats right, MONKEY GLAND SAUCE...

So after deciding of the filet, and passing on the actual chicken fingers for an appy,

Now don't get me wrong, I am up for trying new things, as encouraged by my friend Matt Bell, but I wanted to just eat my steak.

After dinner the host's brother, who was so kind, took me for a tour of the meat locker. It was so fascinating to see where my meat cam from, and at the level of quality that this butcher kept, I was not grossed out. What's funny, is how this view, was not kept from anyone who wanted to stroll past while eating dinner...

And then I was peer pressured to eat some Bull Tongue....  I thought Id never get though it, but little did I know it would be the most PLEASANT thing to happen to me this week.

 

It tasted what Id imagine beef jerky to taste like with a bit more freshness and flavor. Giving that the hosts of the dinner were so generous and wonderful, I couldn't insult them by saying NO WAY YOUR MEAT IS GROSS... So I just took it. And to be honest, it was BETTER than a slm jim.

When I got back to my hotel room, that I didnt know was going to be ripped out before me the next morning, I thought, "Awe how cute! The ladies made my bed sheets look like a Vagina." Little did I know this pseudo vagina was going to be the BEST thing I could ever wish for in South Africa. As I curled up into my cotton labia, I allowed my ambian to kick in and take me to the next morning despite the "jungle tunes" I could hear from the hallway out side my room.

Go ahead, tell me my bed doesn't have "labia"

Beth and I planned a wonderful day shopping for ACTUAL African crafts and authentic jewelry in the "unsafe" part of town, to ensure authenticity. Lets be honest, nobody wants a Nigerian knock off.

Once we returned to the hotel with our bounty, I received notice that I had to change rooms to accommodate "some high roller" poker players.  You know me, I am a suppressed diva who likes a nice thread count and a SICK SHOWER, or just a door that locks will be fine....
Well I was being moved to the "CHALLET"
I fought and fought. ALMOST CRIED, until I found out the head of the casino, who happens to be hot, lives in a "pimped out version of these" So I graciously appeased.
Upon arrival up a 2 mile trek out side the resort, I arrived at what looks like my fathers tool shed. ALL GLASS DOORS, that hardly lock, safe right.  The mosquito's in the HUT were overwhelming so I ran to my bed to cry, except it was more like a twin sized box spring covered in faux fur blankets. I DIE....
The amount of bugs made me want to run out but being that I was in the middle of the african hills, surrounded by criminals and dangerous animals, I figured I could wash up, take drugs and go to sleep.
Um NO, guess what NO SHOWER... There is what I called a poop room. (yeah you guessed it, Gas station  like facilities). Im not a whiner and an complainer, but this is ROUGHING IT at its most, with 0 pay off...

Im sorry, I cant even be funny under these conditions. Whats also weird, was I had to LOCK myself in using a KEY, so i cant even get drunk enough to stumble out and feed myself to a lion or something....
LORD HELP ME.

Oh wanna see whos sitting on my "front lawn"

At least I'd rather die from a pussy whipping than a mosquito bite causing malaria.