After a beer or two, we all strolled down to the pool. Sitting poolside in South Africa this time of year is IDEAL, the sun is out, the breeze is flowing but for some reason you just SOAK up those rays and don't feel a thing until you've gone inside and rinsed off unveiling stage 3 melanoma. CLEARLY based on my education in skin care I lathered SPF 50 on my face, SPF 150 on my arm tattoo, and figured, ehh what the hell, i will let my legs and one arm get a little tan. BAD IDEA.... NOTE TO SELF AND OTHERS.
Beth, Drew and I were all quietly sitting discussing life, business, the random AIDS commercials on TV here, and what not, when all of the sudden we saw what looked like if Chiquita Banana, robbed Cher, and ran off into the sunset with David Bowie.... Clearly I jumped out of my seat, grabbed Drew's professional camera, my cell cam, and DARTED for the grassy noel where they were "Posing"
Please what I had the honor of witnessing. (keep in mind, they were surrounded by photographers, and what appeared to be happy family members.)
After looking like paparazzo, it was explained to me these "kids" were preparing for their MATRIC FAREWELL. "A good-bye to 12th grade) and apparently any dignity or style they may have had or ever will have.
The mother of this lovely young dancing with the South African stars contestant lady, had actually been SO KIND. She was explaining that it was like what we call a senior prom in America "but with much fancier more sophisticated attire" Mum, then invited me along! She said I could actually GO WITH HER to the prom and that she would drive me both to and from so I could also experience it. (clearly she miss-took my AWE at their costumes fancy attire for something else. But lets be honest. She was so sweet. And also lets be honest, from the looks of that dress, "Miss Thing" will be pregnant by the time the night is over.
I went back to my suite at the hotel to freshen up for dinner, and anyone who knows my is aware I do not shave my entire face with a straight razor. I buzz my checks and neck and then clean up my neck with a blade. Well note to self: plugging American machines into African holes makes them EXPLODE. I was almost responsible for the forest fire of Nairobi.... I burnt the shit out of my hand and was forced to BIC my face.
Beth & Drew decided we were going to the "Fancy" steak house for dinner. When we arrived we were greeted by THE MOST lovely little South African native. Pretty white girl *(the only white south African we'd met on the trip) with a sweet and charming accent. She told us we should all have the CHEESY GARLIC BREAD and the FISH PLATTER to start, "ohhh ohhh and you mustn't forget to try the dried buffalo tongue" she emphasized.
"You know what I said" "We do exactly what you recommend but we will pass on the buffalo. Is it an actual tongue?" Our waitress looked at me as if I had said something appalling and replied, "But OF COURSE IT IS, COVERED IN OUR SECRET SOUTH AFRICAN BLEND OF SEASONING"
I said "Yeah, NO, I mean definitely, no thank you as delicious as it sounds we don't eat red meat"
"Oh and Beth and I will have the Chicken Parmesan to share, and Drew will have the Fillet, medium rare", I exclaimed... Yes we know, its meat, but lets not read into it.
When the seafood plate came it had an array of prawns, langoustines, calamari, and this large bug thing they called a lobster, and my FAVORITE fish, which I had never seen or tasted, the KING KLIP. It was DELICIOUS. I didn't like the lobster however. it looked like some kind of bug, and being that they are called the cockroach of the sea, all I could envision was JUST THAT. A big red ROACH.
Where were the delicious red CLAWS and the meaty tail? I'm sorry LOBSTER FAIL! Please stop referring to that creature as a LOBSTER. I bet you that's what happens to a sea monkey when they reach puberty. Hmmmmm... Makes you wonder!
I would also like to say that the "Chicken Parmesan" was DELICIOUS. However, it was not Parmesan. It was much like a breaded and fried chicken breast with a SIDE bowl of honey mustard, or maybe that chica chica sauce. But there was nothing Parmesan-ie about it....
After our 3rd bottle of wine, a delicious blanc I might add, we decided to order (or I ordered for the table) a nice after dinner cordial. After explaining Baileys on the rocks, she explained she only had Amerula
IT WAS DELICIOUS! A creamy rich almost plum taste. I was a huge fan *(duty free here I come)
By that time we were pretty "tipsy" and really began having a heart to heart with our waitress about life in South Africa, Johannesburg specifically. She had tears in her eyes most of the conversation while explaining every night when she is driving home to her parents house, she had to pray they weren't murdered or kidnapped. Apparently it is not uncommon for such terrorizing behavior by the locals, and that theft and murder is more common than not. Last week her best friend was kidnapped after her entire family was tied up and robbed then beaten for no reason. This is her every day reality. This sad girl had no idea there were even places in this world where this was SO UNHEARD OF, and much more of a shocking headline news story rather than an expectation. It made me sad to think all of these people live in fear.
I got my friends drunk enough to go to the casino so we stopped at the cash machine where I withdrew $500.00 ren. Thinking I was going to be a baller that night and WIN BIG we walked into the "Players Club" and since we were with Beth they let us right in!
I started at a $200 minimum bet roulette table, and straight away lost $200ren. I was so upset, finally, went to black jack and quadrupled our chips...
Before we could part ways, our drunkie sweet tooth took us to the on site 24hr "Candy Store" where we all got ice cream... I SWEAR A GAY MAN RUNS THIS PLACE! check this out....
If you don't get the joke, ask Ben Andrews...
When I went back to my hotel room I logged on to my bank account to see what this conversion rate had done to my financial situation?! How much money did I loose? How much did I spend?! ARE YOU READY FOR THE GRAND TOTAL!
$68.00. THAT'S RIGHT. SIXTY-EIGHT AMERICAN DOLLARS! Turned into an African FORTUNE....
Today we are going to the town's market, in JoBerg for some shopping. I am sure I will have tons to report back on!
Sala hantle - That is SeSotho for goodbye!
I laughed so hard reading this. Loved it. As an aside I have a friend I Facebook with who lives in South Africa. What the waitress told you about kidnapping and robbing she had told me at least 2 years ago. It is very scary for a lot of the people that live there. Sorry to hear it is still going on. (Irishgal719)
ReplyDeleteHow sad that the waitress lives in fear. Thats horrible. I hope u didnt burn ur had too bad with the electric shaver.
ReplyDeleteAwesome!!
ReplyDelete