At least I have my HAND....

Growing up I was always close to my family. It has just become recently that people have started getting loose screws, and some relatives have sadly drifted apart. What does this have to do with South Africa you ask? Well I have met my new favorite, crazy, aunt Hellen.
"SHUT UP, JUST STOP TALKING AND BRING ME MY PRAWNS... YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW IF MY APPETIZER IS GOOD, JUST GO GET MY FOOD, I AM HUNGRY" Is what I heard being screamed across the dining room of the proper restaurant in my resort. I was sitting with one of the executives from Harrah's and he said, "oh, thats Hellen, she is a one of the poker players for the event. She is a bit crazy, don't mind her." "PLEASE" I said, "You MUST ask her to join us for dinner, she is all alone!" Nervous about having her at our dinner table, I was obliged, and Hellen was invited over....
Standing about 5 feet tall, fairly large boobies, pretty redish brown hair up in a quaff, and glitzy diamonds, this loud little drunk Chinese lady came to sit beside me. We carried on for about 3 hours, drinking bottle after bottle of wine talking about poker, about relationships, sex, and about how hard it is to be human. Needs, wants, desires, flaws, and how hard it was for her end her marriage after 30 years. "You must have an out. Everybody needs an out from reality, and poker is MY OUT! I will teach you!" said Hellen.
After groaning about having to leave my hotel room for the week and check into the "CHALLET" aka the HUT FROM HELL that I moaned and groaned about in my previous blog, Hellen yelled "NO, GO GET YOUR BAGS, YOU ARE SLEEPING IN MY ROOM!" (Picture a little Chinese lady accent because thats how it sounds! ) She pushed her room key in my pocket and told me to meet her in the casino after I dropped off my bags...

Only I would meet a 60 year old poker playing, chinese fire-cracker, and 3 hours later be invited to sleep in her bed while in Africa. Needless to say, I was too uncomfortable to take her up on her offer so I proceeded to my hell hut.

The next morning I was told I was being transferred to a deluxe suite hut, so I packed my things and met Drew by the pool! Beth was playing her final table in the casino and drew and I were chatting when Hellen came bombing over! "COME ON, WHERE IS THE LIQUOR, WAITRESS! GIVE ME SOME PRAWNS!"
Please keep in mind, we are poolside at a safari resort, there isn't a waitress in SITE, and you have a better chance of being eaten by a lion than you do a waitress hearing you scream!
Finally the publicist for the event heard Hellen and brought out one of the hotel bartenders, who then became our poolside waitress.
Within minutes, Hellen was asking me about my tattoo's and Drew told her about the star I had on my wanker. "NO, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE, YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE ME THINK YOU HAVE TATTOO... SHOW ME YOUR PENIS, I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU!"
I was mortified as the 6 other guests stared at me waiting for me to whip out my privates in front of this 60 year old chinese lady! Needless to say, I gave in, and had her calling me the big dipper for the rest of the day.
That night we caught wind there was a booze cruise South African style on the river! Hellen and I could not have signed up any faster! "I pay for you Jasen. It my treat! We drink and get out of this dump, lets go buy jumpers so we are not cold on the water" After buying everyone in the gift shop clothing, and "EXTRA INCASE SOMEONE GET COLD" she screamed, we walked to the yacht....

As we sat down to get our drinks, Hellen ordered us, and the 12 other passengers double cocktails. When the bartender began to pour the cola into the jack on the rocks, Hellen screamed "NO DO NOT POUR, I WANT JUST TO POUR MYSELF, NEVER POUR AGAIN!"

You can read his mind... OK CRAZY LADY, I GIVE YOU HOW YOU LIKE... DONT KILL ME!!

Now, I realize I make Hellen sound mean, loud, and abrasive, but that is because she is.... On the flip side, I think she is one of the most caring, lovely, motherly type women I have ever met!  After living years of suppression and that combined with perhaps being Chinese, Hellen has an edge to her that most 60yr old little ladies do not have. I am in love........

Can you not see the tenderness in her look and touch. I really want to move in with Aunt Hellen!

As we departed down the river I took some breath taking views of South Africa that really made me almost tear up!

Hellen took this! She made me pose with my profile! Not flattering!

Apparently I have a reputation around here now for being a bit loud. Now that my new best friend is Hellen, and she is the loudest little chinese woman you have EVER heard/ seen in your life, people are doing me favors... Today the girl at the front dest told me how to go into town and get the best sleeping pills on the market! Then she arranged for our group to take a driver into the city of Johannesburg where we could shop at the markets and get crafts and art from locals! It was PHENOMENAL!

The jewelry was AMAZING, and the craftsmanship was so beautiful. There was silver gold and diamonds for THOUSANDS, and cheaper costume jewelry for cheap!  I spent tons of money. ALL OF THE SUDDEN I SAW WHAT I NEEDED. There was an artist there that had been crafting out of steel. HUGE pieces and very expensive. A particular piece caught my eye and I had to buy it! It was 6,700 Zar. Obviously I didnt have the money on my to barter for it so Hellen screamed at me. "HERE TAKE THIS AND DO NOT SUFFER OVER DECISION." I didn't want to take her wad of cash but she insisted, so I added it to my remanning Zar (or REND as the call it) and purchased this piece... NOW HOW DO I GET IT HOME?!

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THIS SHOULD BE GOOD AT THE AIRPORT....

And I may be alone here in africa, but now.... AT LEAST I HAVE MY BIG HAND!!!!