Who's Kim Kardashian?

The posee of lip ring'ed folk had begun to gather at the front of the line which lead me to believe being pierced on your face was not a South African tradition. This made me feel much better about everything already.

My xanax had worn off about 1.5 hours prior to landing and I had pee'd out all 4 bottles of wine, so I was about as sober as Courtney Love on her "detox day." For some reason every time I have to identify myself at a customs, (and I know my friend Kristy Adams can relate) I begin to sweat like a Lohan w/o her caffine. For some reason I have the conscience of O.J. Simpson and I shake as though I am smuggling black tar heroine in my anal cavity. (lord knows I wasn't, that would have interfered with my chemical warfare tactics on the plane ride over). I have never had a reason to worry, my passport is legit, and I am only going on vacation. However, the series of questions I'm asked at the border makes me stumble my words and I am always worried they are going to throw me in a room for questioning and treat me like a criminal. I was given the "go ahead" and I ran for my luggage like I had just avoided arrest.

I knew I was in a foreign country when I saw the suitcases coming through the turn style wrapped up like this...

I am not quite sure why people do this. I MEAN, you aren't even supposed to lock your luggage, how is THIS aloud?

Finally I had found my driver, he was holding a sign that said JANSEON KAPLIN. I assumed that was me and I asked if he was going to the Emerald Casino/ Resort. He shook my hand and said oh yes, sir please come with me. I asked if he had any documentation to ensure he wasnt a creeper getting ready to take me to a factory when I would be forced into labor carving wooden elephants later to be sold to tourists at the town center. He said, "Sir I am an official driver, look I am wearing orange and black." Oh  yes, of course, I must have been crazy.... So I followed him to his vehicle. I am sorry I do not have a picture of this Mercedes mini-van but I was a bit too scared to remove my blackberry from my bag. I was told to seem as poor as possible in order to not get robbed.

Once in the van with Joohlatsooh *(that was his name) we began talking about South Africa, and I was asking him more questions than Oprah did in her interview with the polygamists in Utah. He asked me to sit in the front seat with him so I felt sort of obligated to speak/ GRILL him and get any information possible. The scenery on the way to my resort was somewhat typical but with extra grass and birds. I was DYING to see tigers, zebra's , and monkeys! But this was all that I saw:

Next I began to enquire about "pop culture" in SA, and what kind of drugs people used. I was told that everything American was copied as far as TV went, and that there was ONE break out star who sang R&B, but for the most part they listened to our music. I asked him who was more famous here, Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian. "WHO?" He replied. "Who is this Kim Kardashian?" "Paris Hilton is not very famous anymore, but my girlfriend loves Fantasia Barrino." WHAT?! YOU DONT KNOW KIM BUT YOU KNOW FANTASIA BARRINO? I love this country. 

I arrived at my hotel. It is pretty! 

But once inside I found some signs that I think Ellen Degeneres could have a ball with! First of all, Im not sure why the floors in the corridor would get slippery but apparently Mr. Magoo learned his lesson:

and I am not sure if there is a big gay community in South Africa but if there is I am pretty sure they all eat at this restaurant in my resort! 

I am also wondering if this vending machine is a play on words for women's feminine napkins or something... I wasn't sure but don't have my period so I didn't need to find out.