My flight to South Africa, THE JOURNEY BEGINS.

I arrived at JFK airport a good hour before my trip. I am a firm believer that 2 or more hours is a waste of time, and lets be honest, any good traveler knows the proper way to skip lines, finagle your way to the front of security if necessary, board first, and drug up once seated.

With a new NARS lipgloss, fresh DIOR mascara, & MAC blush in hand, praying there would be a woman checking me in and taking my bag, and there was, I negotiated an upgrade (for barter) on my seat. Lets be honest, what girl doest love make up? It works every time.

The moment I got to gate 27 I was excited to look around at my fellow travelers, its also important for me to mentally prepare what kind of people are going to be sitting around me on the plane. I noticed a lot of what looked like back-packers, a few nicely dressed business-y looking folk, and about 3 families. There were no disabled people so I decided to use one of my travel tips taught to my by my Aunt Debbie growing up. I approached the desk and explained my hip surgery last month and it would be helpful if I could pre-board to avoid standing behind all of those pesky families with small children on the “loading tube.” SCORE....

Needless to say God punished me because after getting settled into my seat and taking my first 2 xanax to ensure proper intoxication levels upon take off, a family with 3 kids sat in the row behind me. How does a father of three afford business class on a trip to South Africa with his ENTIRE FAMILY? 

After my xanax kicked in I decided to lean back for a nap while watching SEX IN THE CITY 2 (not so good by the way) while suddenly the 6 year old began to kick my seat and scream like a maniac. Come on now, dont tell me at 6 this behavior is appropriate. This went on for a good 20 minutes. I HAD TO THINK OF SOMETHING TO TORTURE THEM BACK. The only way I figured I could punish these people was to try my very hardest to pass gas. Believe me when I tell you, and I know this sounds gross, but the behavior of these children deserved chemical warfare. Now, keep in mind the feeling, and don't lie, you know its happened to you, upon passing gas in a group of people you almost need to start laughing your ass off. No pun intended. Its almost like puking and crying, it goes hand and hand. So, I was able to pass enough stinky gas for the woman to scold her disobedient child, while the other laughed in hysteria, basically admitting to the gas problem without actually saying “IT WAS ME MOM, IT WAS ME!” 

FInally the parents stepped up to the plate and began occupying their beasts... Now dont get me wrong, I love most children, well only if they are on the spectrum that is, but I dont want to travel with any of them. May this be a tip for parents, if you can sedate your dogs for travel, you can sedate your child.  We all know that 25 milligrams of benadryl has never killed ANYBODY. 

I am currently flying over Liberia  with a destination local time of 2:01am, its 8:02pm in NYC so I am on my 3rd half bottle of wine and 4th xanax, hence the full admission of my intentional gas passing. The movie selection is pretty lame so I figured I would share my thoughts, feelings and travel tips in this entry. Stay tuned for some more when I land, I wont babble as my sedatives kick in.

CIAO FOR NOW..... See you in the jungle!